


Of lies and mistakes, and tears and mistakes.

by Anonymous



Series: Of tears and mistakes and lies and mistakes [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Parents, Aged-Up Character(s), Cheating, Coming Out, Divorce, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Failed Marriage, Fights, Flashbacks, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Lies, M/M, Man I hope this is the fic that gets me cancelled lmao, Marriage Proposal, Masturbation, Men Crying, Multi, Plot Twists, Relationship Problems, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Smut, Surprise Kissing, Tags Contain Spoilers, Tags May Change, Trans Male Character, Underage Masturbation, Unreliable Narrator, WHATS UP GAMERS ITS ME MATT AND IM BACK IN THESE TIMES OF PLAGUE TO WRITE THIS FANDOM BACK TO LIFE, appologies to the 'larry is a good dad' team, but i don't think so lmao im not sorry, coming to terms, evan has no impulse control and takes very bad decisions, extra special thanks to Morgan/Aria for not even being in the fandom lmao, im just realizing how much they talk about sex, just so i can get that sweet validation, lots and lots of sex talk omg, questionable decisions, questionable morals, ready for the rollercoaster?, skip this one, so if you're uncomfortable with that (and not the cheating bc who knows), special thanks to my friends for reading this before i even edit, suicide attempt mentions, there's straight up porn here, they're all in their late 20's, transphobic language, youre the real MVP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23913973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He remembered picking out the rings. They were simple silver bands because Zoe was a minimalist at heart, and Evan didn't like busy patterns that would call too much attention so it worked out fine.That was three years ago.Now he lay in bed next to her, about to make the biggest, dumbest, stupidest mistake mistake of his whole life. And like all his mistakes, it started by opening his stupid mouth.Updates: Monday, Wednesday and Fridays.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy
Series: Of tears and mistakes and lies and mistakes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739872
Comments: 34
Kudos: 41
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Prologue

It started a few years ago.

Evan had started dating his high school crush, Zoe Murphy. He had asked her out, and by mere chance, she'd said yes.

What were the odds!

Evan felt so happy, he started crying, like his chest was full of butterflies beating hard against his chest, trying desperately to find a way to get out and break free. He remembered that Queen song  _ “I want to break free,” _

Three years ago, he'd proposed to her.

It was at her graduation, when she finished her pedagogy courses so she could be a preschool teacher and he had been working as an event caterer for a year, making flower arrangements and bouquets, specifically.

It was with one of those that he proposed. He had made it so there was a letter in the middle, and the ring was hidden in his suit jacket. After she gave her graduation speech, her family hugged her, Evan gave her the flowers, and stood there awkwardly as she read the full two pages of senseless gushing, and then he took out the ring.

And she cried.

And he cried.

And then she kissed him.

And he hugged her.

And she said yes.

Everyone was cheering, Connor and Jared were clapping and saying embarrassing stuff about him taking a long time, and as he looked at them smile at him, his chest filled with happiness, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She smelled of cinnamon and lavender.

Then they married, Evan had insisted in making the flower arrangements himself, since they had a special meaning and whatnot, Jared mocked him, but everyone agreed that they couldn't have picked anything better for the ceremony.

The ceremony was small, Zoe wore a beautiful gauze dress that flowed in the wind like mist. Evan thought she was the most beautiful woman on earth. His eyes filled with tears as Larry walked her over to him. He felt Connor's hand squeeze his shoulder and Jared grinned widely at him.

Jared was his best man. Connor was the ring holder. He couldn't have chosen anyone better.

When Zoe said her vows, Evan couldn't stop the tears from falling, she looked so beautiful. So secure, she looked up to him and smiled, Evan looked at his friends, both of them were holding back tears of their own. Jared was giving him a wobbly smile, and Evan could have chuckled at his expression if it had been any other moment. Connor was looking off, straight ahead. Evan could tell from the way he clenched his jaw, and the way he squared his shoulders that he was trying to keep a hold of himself. Connor had his hands clasped in front of himself, they were shaking, and then Jared reached over to hold his hand, and gave him a smaller, less wobbly smile. Connor smiled at him, his eyes shining with tears. Evan thought it was adorable.

And then Zoe's hands were around his neck and everyone was cheering and his lips were on hers. He could tell his friends were clapping, he cried.

The reception after was small as well. Some of the guests left after the ceremony, so they only needed a table to hold everyone.

Everyone talked about the newlyweds, they reminisced about old times. Evan ranted about how nervous he had been, but how happy he was now that everything was said and done.

Jared made fun of him for nearly dropping the ring, and Zoe laughed, Evan was enchanted by her laugh. She said she almost dropped her ring too, that her hands were sweating and Evan's hand was shaking too much. Everyone laughed, she kissed his cheek.

Evan looked at his friends, Jared was stealing Connor's cake whenever he wasn't looking, until he caught him. Connor scorned him, and Jared laughed nervously and then they kissed. Evan smiled as he watched them hold hands over the table, looking down at his own hand holding Zoe's. Looking down at the rings.

He remembered picking out the rings. They were simple silver bands because Zoe was a minimalist at heart, and Evan didn't like busy patterns that would call too much attention so it worked out fine.

When Zoe threw her bouquet, Jared caught it, and Connor made fun of him for the rest of the night. So did Zoe, insinuating that maybe Connor had to be the next one on one knee. Connor flushed, and playfully shoved his sister aside. Evan couldn't hide his happiness, and he had no reason to, and that made him happier.

He remembers saying goodbye to the guests, carrying Zoe to her yellow SUV and driving away. He had never been a drinker, and he wasn't one to fall under social pressure.

He remembers their wedding night, and the way Zoe looked under the moonlight falling in from the window. He had been nervous. Oh so nervous. He was surprised by how patient and commanding she'd been, gently guiding him through things he vaguely knew about. She mocked him for being a prude. He told her he wasn't a prude, just nervous.

And the way she called his name, god, it made the knot in his stomach tighter.

And then he was laying next to her. Her soft panting filling the room. He'd managed to make her finish, and somehow managed to not finish himself. She noticed after coming down from her high, and had insisted in helping him out, despite how much he tried to convince her that he was fine and it really, really was alright that he didn't come because she did, and he was fine just making her feel good but she wasn't having it, seeing right through his embarrassment.

They didn't have a honeymoon, he couldn't really afford it, and he refused to let her parents pay for it, he was already so indebted to them just by the fact that they let him marry their daughter, but he took a week off from work, and they had fun making small travels to amusement parks and the cinema, going to restaurants and taking long walks through the park, enjoying each other company and being giddy, silly love birds.

That was three years ago.

Now he lay in bed next to her, right after he managed to make himself finish after she did, about to make the biggest, dumbest, stupidest mistake of his whole life. And like all his mistakes, it started by opening his stupid mouth.

“I'm gay.”


	2. Chapter One: Just tears.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was sitting on their bed, she was standing at her full height, and although she was a solid two or three inches shorter than him, a few pounds lighter, she had never seemed bigger. “I never wanted to hurt you Zozo.”
> 
> She scowled at him. “Well, too fucking late for that, don't you think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Suicidal ideation, self deprecation.

“I'm gay.”

He hated the way her eyes widened. Like she couldn't believe what she'd just heard and needed to, somehow, _see it_ instead.

She screamed at him, of course, and honestly, he hadn't expected anything less. He kept his head low at first, receiving all of the blows without saying anything, because, truly, what could he say? He deserved it. He was the biggest piece of human garbage ever. And the worst part?

The worst part is that he could've avoided it.

From the beginning, when he realized that he didn't really like her in that way, if only he had said anything, then he wouldn't have his wife of three years, partner of over ten years, hysterically throwing his clothes at him as she hurled every single insult she could think of, because, of course, truthfully, she was gorgeous, and smart, and the kindest person he'd ever met apart from his own mom. She was funny, and witty, and had an amazing body, and was incredibly talented with the guitar and deserved to be happy no matter what. And yet...

If only he could've told her when they'd been dating for a few months, maybe even a year, he was sure she would've understood, laughed it off, and wished him luck. But he didn't. And instead he sank deeper into this farce.

If only he had told her before he proposed, he was sure she would've given him a sad laugh, shook her head, then told him it was alright, that he wasn't to blame about it, that she wasn't angry, he couldn't control it. He was sure he would have gotten that same reaction even if he had told her after they got engaged, even if it had been after the bachelor party, if he had told her he had doubts, and was scared, and had never, ever, meant to hurt her, he was sure she would've forgiven him, and she wouldn't be as hurt as she was now, because by now she would have moved on. But he didn't.

He was positive that no matter what, Zoe would have forgiven him, if he hadn't been so blunt and tactless. But if he wasn't blunt and tactless then the words would just get stuck in his throat like they had for the past eleven years, too soft and sticky for him to just spit out. Choking him, willing him into silence until eventually, he would find himself old and still a liar.

He was sure she would have forgiven him. But he didn't deserve it.

Not now, not anymore.

“If you knew, wh-why did you never said anything?” She pleaded, and Evan simply shrunk more into himself. She shrieked, shoving all of the things that littered the bed side table off into the floor, something he had only ever seen her brother do, back when they were in high school and he was having troubles with their parents, and wasn't medicated, and was in desperate need of help.

His eyes widened as her body slumped into the dark wood, hiding her face in her arms as she sobbed. Her long hair was scattered all over her, somewhat resembling a blob of spilled brown ink. She had lighter hair than her brother's, but otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to point out the difference.

Images of him comforting Connor after his coming out to his father went less than okay flashed through his mind.

A balled up sock flew his way, hitting him on the jaw and transporting him back to the present, to his current dilemma. “Say something goddammit!”

Evan's expression was that of pure guilt, and how wouldn't it be. He couldn't find the words in his throat, those warm hazel eyes that once made his stomach churn, now pierced deep into his soul. Connor had blue eyes, he remembered, so did Jared. He gulped, fearing a bigger attack than a sock if he didn't start speaking soon.

“I-I, I just couldn't!” He sobbed. “I love you! I swear I do!” He raised his hands to protect himself, instinctively leaning back and bringing his knees up as he screwed his eyes shut when she stood up after his words. “A-at least- at least I did when we started out.” His voice softened, and he tried to make his body relax as he looked up at her with soft eyes. He was sitting on their bed, she was standing at her full height, and although she was a solid two or three inches shorter than him, a few pounds lighter, she had never seemed bigger. “I never wanted to hurt you Zozo.”

She scowled at him. “Well, too fucking late for that, don't you think?”

Evan nodded heavily, like his head weighted a million times its weight on his shoulders. “I'm so-”

“That's bullshit! Don't even dare finish that sentence!”

Evan snapped his mouth shut and lowered his head.

“How could you _do_ this to me Evan?!” She cried, tugging at her already messy hair and then slipping her hands to cover her face, letting herself slowly sit down on the carpet.

Evan frowned. Sure, he hurt her, there was no denying that, but it's not like he _chose_ to not be attracted to her as a personal attack or something.

Still, he chose to remain quiet, right?

He supposed she had a point there.

Evan sighed, picking at his nails as he thought of what to do or say. “I- I didn't mean to, I just- I thought that... Maybe if I just-” He gulped down a sob, he wasn't even sure she was listening to him right now, but he needed to get it out, he needed understanding, not harsh words and reminders of how disgustingly selfish he was. “If I just ignored it... I-it would perhaps... go away.” He whimpered, hastily rubbing the tears off his eyes. “I tried my best, I really did.”

Zoe shook her head, and Evan felt his heart shattering even more inside his chest. “Then why? Why didn't you just... Just _tell me?_ ”

Evan avoided looking at her anymore. He felt like he was going to vomit. She'd known him, intimately, for over a decade, she knew exactly how to poke and prod at him, she knew all of his weaknesses, she knew what hurt him the most, and at this very moment, it felt as if she was jostling him around on purpose.

“I couldn't!” For the first time in a long time, Evan's voice raised into a scream, and he had to shrink down when Zoe's eyes flickered at him. “Goddammit. I just couldn't Zoe, get in my shoes for five fucking seconds and try to understand.”

Zoe sniffled, and looked down. They stayed in silence for a long time, and Evan realized just how exhausted he was. It had to be close to four in the morning, and Zoe's fit had been going on for hours already, he had cried himself into exhaustion, and he was sure so had she.

After a painfully long time, Zoe took a few shaky breaths and looked up at him. She wasn't prying her hair off her head anymore, instead, she was holding herself, as if she had suddenly realized that she was in her underwear in front of a stranger. “Who was it?”

His blood ran cold. Thick, cold sweat started running down his forehead, his palms started sweating as well, and he opened and closed his fingers a few times, he was shaking, he was sure she could tell.

“Who was it?” She repeated, softer this time, she didn't sound angry anymore. She sounded wounded.

Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times, he could hear his heart drumming in his ears, and he screwed his eyes shut, he wanted to scream, and breakdown, and cry, and scream that it wasn't his fault, he tried, he really tried to love her, and to love her physically, and emotionally, but he couldn't, he just couldn't, and it was that, or killing himself, and he couldn't do that, because that would hurt her even more, that her husband couldn't even bare living with her anymore.

“Evan,” She pleaded, her voice shrill and whiny. It hurt Evan's heart. “W-who was it?” Her voice shook. Evan was praying, begging for her to just say it. He prayed she knew, that she was just doing this to hurt his self esteem even more. Hot tears started spilling from his eyes.

He prayed she didn't know, that she hadn't been hurting this long without even telling him, but it couldn't be. Her reaction, her outburst just now, that was genuine, it was pure, horrifying shock, she hadn't been bottling this up, because Zoe Murphy, his wife, was calculative. If she had known, by now, she would've planned everything she would've said and done when he finally cracked, so he would be destroyed, and she would be satisfied. This was hectic, this wasn't planned, she truly, genuinely hadn't expected it. She hadn't expected her husband, the man she had relied on so much for all of her adult life, would go out and betray her like that.

He opened his mouth, he didn't hear it, but he saw Zoe's eyes widen, her mouth twist in horror.

She kicked him out of the house.

At four in the goddamn morning, in his boxers, barefoot, carrying an open suitcase, clothes spilling out, she kicked him out.

Thus, he found himself sitting on a bench in the park, crying his eyes out after he had hastily put on some clothes. The last thing he needed right now, was to be arrested.

He was shaking, and he wasn't sure if it was the biting cold, the effort it was taking his body to stay awake, the crying, he just didn't know anymore.

As he looked around at the desolate park, he wondered if he shouldn't simply off himself already. Something he had fought, for years, to heal from, to stop himself from thinking in that dark, deranged direction now seemed so tempting, so inviting.

There was no much point left in living anymore, and he didn't deserve it either. He had finished his deed, he finally came out to Zoe.

He laughed at the bitter irony that was having his mom quickly accept him when, at 17, he confessed to her that he was bisexual, and then have his wife be the one to kick him out of the house, throwing cutting words at him, cursing him for life and all others he could possibly have. He sincerely hoped he had no more.

He chuckled humorlessly. Of course she wouldn't accept him, what was he even thinking? He was supposed to love only her, after all. And he couldn't even do that.

He thought about it for a moment. He was sure he was bisexual, back then, at least. After all, all of his previous crushes had been men, and then there was Zoe Murphy, and he loved her deeply. He fell for her without realizing, but when he did, there was no way out. So he must have been.

Right?

He scoffed. No. Now he could see it, clear as the light of day that started to rise around him with every passing second.

He hadn't been in love with Zoe, he realized as he gripped his jeans.

The klaxon going off from a car parked right in front of him caused him to jolt. He hurried to look up, heart hammering in his chest from the shock.

The window from the driver's side lowered, and Connor was leaning his arm on the frame, looking at him through his tinted sunglasses. Jared sat next to him, and was leaning slightly to the side to look at him with wide eyes. “Mister Hansen,” He called, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “You look like shit.” Evan felt his stomach churn, but he forced himself to laugh it off. “Don't tell me my sister finally lost it and kicked you out.” Evan froze, his hands nervously wringing the hem of his shirt.

“Relationship problems?” Jared pepped as well, and despite himself, Evan smiled bitterly, sighing and nodding his head.

“Sumthin' like that.” He mumbled.

“Then get in loser, we're getting breakfast.” Connor said as he unlocked the doors for him.

Evan scrambled to his feet, and both of them noticed him picking up his suitcase with a pained expression. Jared grimaced, looking up at his boyfriend with tightly furrowed brows. He hissed a whisper. “Connor I think she did.”

Connor nodded once, watching Evan pick up a rogue sock and shove it in his pocket with red cheeks. “I know.”

Evan climbed into the back seat and immediately felt the tension in the car. He listened to Arctic Monkeys play quietly on the radio and almost smiled. This felt so familiar, like high school all over again. He remembered skipping school with them, in some of the rare occasions that they succeeded in convincing him, listening to similar songs as Connor drove them all off to go get cheap pizza.

From the tight silence, and the way they both looked at him, Connor through the rear view mirror, Jared twisted on his seat, he knew they had questions, and so he sighed heavily.

They decided to wait until everyone could look at everyone in the eye.

Once they were sitting on one of the outside tables of their favorite cafe, the one they used to visit in college, when they had to basically force Connor to take a break and relax, Jared was the first to speak, he had been friends with the blonde for longer than Connor had been aware of his existence, and thus, knew better how to approach him.

“So, dude... How's married life going?”

Evan couldn't help but smirk at the adorable awkwardness of his old childhood friend as he tried to acknowledge the elephant in the room. “Bout to be no more.”

Both men glanced at each other, Jared with a grimace, Connor with a frown, before looking back at their friend.

“Fuck it Hansen, if you tried to kill my sister I'm gonna go feral on you.” Connor said sternly, but both Evan and Jared chuckled. He sighed, then rubbed his temple. “So what happened?” This time, both of them could tell Connor was serious, gentle, but serious, and he wasn't going to let him get away with no explanations.

Jared noticed the way Evan's shoulders slumped and he looked down at his lap, Jared glanced at Connor, question in his eyes, but Connor was intently looking at Evan, trying to pick everything apart before he could begin explaining.

Connor had always been like that: skillfully calculating. He could read a person in seconds, Jared always told him he'd make an awesome psychologist, or one of those fortune tellers people pay for at fairs, a psychic scam, maybe.

Jared was less logical, he needed people to be blunt and upfront or else everything would fly over his head, which is why he was trying to figure out whatever it was his boyfriend was thinking about.

Then Evan spoke. He couldn't really tell them everything, he was too ashamed of himself to admit it, so he tried to vaguely tell the truth, if only to get rid of the knot in his throat. He knew they would eventually find out, anyway.

“We... We had an argument.” He sniffled, and he heard someone shift on their seat. “We just- We weren't seeing eye to eye anymore, about this, um, marriage thing and uh, what it meant for us, a-and... I have been... lying to her... about something important,” He looked up at his friends, Jared seemed even more confused, Connor's expression hadn't changed at all. He knew he was just waiting for him to stop talking to say something, so he continued. “For a long time, so um, so we argued and- and she yelled at me,” His eyes got teary again, he took a deep breath. He sighed, he didn't want to make it seem like she was the bad guy, either, but he felt so hurt. “And I yelled at her and um, I-I have nowhere to stay now.”

Jared frowned. Evan and Zoe fought? Over their marriage? He couldn't see how, unless Evan was lying to their face, that could be even close to the truth. They had been together for eleven years, since Evan was 17 and Zoe had freshly turned 16, he had figured they would have discussed all that way in advance. They were the kind of couple to do that.

In fact, he remembered sitting with Evan while they played video games and hearing him go on and on about what he and Zoe had talked about what their future would be like, and while some things had changed since then, they had pretty much stuck to the plan.

Connor huffed, and both of them looked up at him, his arms were crossed, and he wasn't looking at any of them, instead, he was looking at his leg bounce, like he was calculating every single muscle movement.

“Well then, if that's the case, then it can't be helped. Sounds like this has been building up for a while now, she wouldn't have kicked you out over a menial argument.” He concluded, and Evan nodded.

“I-I guess so.”

Jared looked at him, concern clear on his face. “Dude, if you were having problems, you could've just told us, we know a couple counselors and excellent couple therapists.”

Evan watched Connor nod, and he was amused they ever needed that. Sure, Connor and Jared was like mixing oil and water, in fact, he was the single most surprised person when they started dating back in high school, before he even asked Zoe out, but besides petty arguments and obviously orchestrated fights that always ended up with them making out and excusing themselves early, he didn't thought they could have problems.

He looked down and sighed heavily.

“I... I know, and I swear I did, it just... didn't seem important.”

Jared laughed, amused. “Didn't seem important? For Evan Hansen? Dude, I held you when you panicked because you thought she'd leave you because you kept forgetting to buy milk whenever she asked you to go get groceries just three months ago.” Evan looked down and chewed on his lip, Jared’s eyes widened. “Holy shit don't tell me that was the last drop?” He laughed, and Connor snorted softly.

“N-no, I mean, maybe b-but... Listen, guys, I love you, and trust you, but I really- I really don't want to talk right now,” He looked up at them. “Please? I've been up all night.”

Connor sighed, disgruntled, but he agreed, after all, his eyes were still red and swollen, and he knew better than anyone just what an extreme sport crying all night was.

When a phone started ringing, Evan practically jumped ten feet in the air, his head snapping up to full attention. He watched as Connor pulled his phone from his pocket and stared at the contact name with a deep frown. He got up, excusing himself, and walked a good distance away from the pair.

Evan sighed, mindlessly playing with his food on the plate. He could feel Jared's worried eyes over him.

“Are you sure you don't wanna try and fix it?”

Evan laughed bitterly, the knot that was his stomach tightening. “Yup.”

“Ev-”

“I can't, okay?” Evan snapped, looking up at his friend and watching him lean back on his chair before they both sighed. “You know I've... Been trying to get out for a while.”

Jared nodded, then grinned. “Didn't think you'd actually go through with it. Took you a good while to make up your mind, huh?”

Evan smiled, then rolled his eyes. “O-only eight years of d-dating, th-three years of- of marriage.” Jared flinched, he hadn't heard Evan stutter in a long time.

“Well...” He started, twiddling his thumbs and biting his lip. “Connor and I have a pretty alright guestroom. Unless you'd rather cry all night at the park instead.” He shrugged.

“I don't know...” Both of them looked at Connor, all the way across the little plaza with his phone on his ear, nodding every now and then. Jared thought that was an adorable, but pretty stupid habit, by virtue that the other person can't see you. “The park does sound very cozy.”

Jared snickered. “Well I'm sorry your little exit wasn't quite so elegant.” He watched as Evan sighed, shaking his head and finally taking a bite from his food.

“I think stumbling while exiting will always be my curse. How are you and Connor doing?”

“Not leaving any time soon, if that's what you mean.” Jared smiled. “We're thinking of adopting a cat.”

Evan looked up at him, surprised. “I thought you hated cats.”

“I do.” Jared nodded, a genuine smile on his face. “But I love my hot-ass boyfriend even more.” Evan smiled at him.

“Well then, you two are serious.”

“Our relationship did outlast yours, we thought you and Zoe were going to be buried in a shared grave or something.” He watched as Evan grimaced and then he went back to his own food. “Well, we're alright, he's super hot and we still fuck every single day so I think we're going strong.”

Evan found himself agreeing. He had never particularly enjoyed sex with Zoe, before or during their marriage. She had tried to get him to do things with her when they were still dating, in college. Making out was fair game, but he always seemed to find an excuse to cut things short.

Now he knew why.

“That's good.”

“Fucking good.” Evan snorted at Jared's choice of words and subsequent eyebrow wiggle, it was like he never stopped being a stupid horny teen boy, and he was almost 30.

Connor sat back down, next to Jared, across from Evan, it felt like an intervention. He was frowning, deep in thought, and when instead of saying anything he simply took a sip from his coffee, Evan felt like his death sentence had been signed over.

“Who was it?” Jared asked, but Connor just shook his head.

“I guess you already told him he can stay over.” Connor accused, and both Evan and Jared seemed to shrink. “He can. You can stay over Evan, that's what the guest room is for.”

Evan nodded hesitantly, Connor didn't add anything, but everyone sitting at that table knew what had gone down during that phone call. “Thanks.”

“Don't mention it.”

Jared's watch started beeping, and he chewed on his lip as he stopped the alarm. “I can call my work and tell them I have a family emergency.” He offered, looking up at Evan with worry in his eyes.

Evan couldn't accept that, he shook his head vehemently. “Don't. I'm not a kid, I'll be fine.”

Connor nodded, and called the waiter so he could pay for everyone, which Evan tried to resist as well, in vain.

After Connor drove Jared to his work, and they took a solid few minutes to kiss with Connor sticking his head through his window frame, Evan moved to the shotgun seat.

The ambiance in the car was tense, and Evan was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, focusing on the song playing so he wouldn't spiral into a panic attack. He noticed that Connor was stiff, eyes completely focused on the road ahead, jaw clenched.

Connor always complained about jaw and ear pain, and everyone always told him it was because he always clenched his jaw. His hands were firm on the steering wheel, Evan saw his knuckles were white and he gulped.

“So, Hansen,” He started after a while, like he was pushing the words out with his foot. “What did really happen between you and my sister?” He spoke slowly, leaving no room for misunderstanding. He _knew_.

Evan avoided looking at him, looking down at his lap, because looking out the window would mean he wasn't listening and was closed off, and that would piss Connor off, because he probably just wanted to hear both sides of the story before he decided he hated his guts.

“I um...” He paused for a long time, but he knew Connor was waiting for him to talk. “I c-came out to her... I'm bisexual.”

“Oh really?” Connor asked, finally glancing at him out of the corner of his eye before looking back at the road. “Cause that's not what she told me.”

Evan nodded, defeated. “I'm gay.”

“I know that.” Connor urged him. “What happened between you and her?”

“I- I told her after we had sex.” He blushed, and he could see Connor's hand grip the wheel even tighter, like he wanted to strangle him right then and there. Evan struggled to swallow. “I-it, it was the first time I could actually come, i-in a long time, w-without help,” He gulped down the tears and bile and made himself continue speaking. “B-because I wasn't- I wasn't thinking of her.” He screwed his eyes shut, gripping the sides of the seat as if waiting for a blow. When nothing happened, he took a few shaky breaths and continued. “I-I felt guilty. I don't like lying to her, Connor, I love her, I really do.” He turned to look at him, desperate tears running down his face. Connor glanced at him without turning his head, then back at the road. Connor nodded once.

“But not like that.”

“I-I tried Connor, I tried so hard.” He sobbed, sinking down on the seat and wrapping his arms around himself. He felt ashamed, disgusting, and he wanted to throw up. “F-for the longest time, I just thought- I thought that maybe, I-if I kept trying, eventually-” He sniffed. “It had to be, right? S-she was m-my wife, I-I had to. It was my duty and I-”

Connor sighed, and he pulled over in a parking spot, he turned off the engine, the radio went off with it, and suddenly the car was overwhelmingly silent, save for the pitiful whimpering of Evan trying to contain his tears. His chest was sore from crying so much, so was his throat, and he wanted to stop, but the more he talked the less he could calm down, and eventually he was crying in Connor's shoulder, with him soothing his hair. Even then, he could tell Connor was impossibly tense, and Evan hated it.

The whole time, Connor said nothing, he just listened to him go on and on about how he couldn't bring himself to look at his sister that way, which Evan supposed must have been uncomfortable and awkward. He couldn't tell if Connor was silent because he didn't have anything to say, or because he was holding back everything he wanted to say by practically welding his jaws together. He wished he'd say something, anything, even if he just called him stupid, because honestly? He was stupid. Very, very stupid.

He knew Jared would have been more talkative, trying to crack jokes to diffuse the tension, saying all of the wrong things but somehow making him feel less like crap, like earlier at the restaurant. Jared was less touchy, though, he wouldn't have held him.

Still, he wished Jared wasn't at work.

Evan pulled away, his bloodshot eyes pleading as he stared into Connor's cold expression. “What do I do, Connor?”

Once again, Connor said nothing. He looked away, and Evan slumped into his chest again. He kept repeating it like a mantra. _What do I do? What do I do?_ Connor kept looking away.

He wondered what his mom would say. Maybe he should call her later, let her know that her beloved son is a piece of disgusting human garbage, a disgrace, a humiliation for himself and others.

Maybe he would. Maybe he wouldn't. Her schedule was quite hectic, since she still worked at the same hospital as a nurse. He couldn't just show up in one of the few free moments she had just to dump his problems on her.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought about this chapter! I want to know what you're thinking so far, what you think happened, what you think is gonna happen, anything. Have a nice day!


	3. Chapter Two: What to do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After food, Evan insisted on washing the dishes, and miraculously succeeded, mainly because he didn't tell anything to Connor before he started, and he didn't stop when Connor started nagging at him to stop because it was Jared's turn that day, and then Jared swoop him up, threw him over his shoulder and took him to the living room, so after struggling with greasy pots and other such things, he walked out of the kitchen, once again feeling exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Suicide attempt mention, self hatred, let me know if I missed anything else.

Evan finally ran out of tears, and his diaphragm was left spasming in a way he hadn't felt since he was probably in kindergarten. He was whimpering with every breath, curled into himself as Connor drove them to his and Jared's apartment.

Immediately upon entering, he fell asleep on the couch. He had been awake for more than 24 hours at that point, having a crying marathon for half of that time. Connor sat at the dinner table, since he and Jared only had one couch, -because they didn't need more, because what was the point of having more than one couch when it was just them two and and the occasional visit from Evan and Zoe,- and intently looked at his friend sleep.

He wasn't sure what to do with him, and that conflicted him, because sure, he had hurt his sister, he knew from the way she screamed and sobbed into the phone. Zoe had never screamed like that, she wasn't the type to get angry, that was all him, thankfully, she was more apathetic when she was upset. But that? He knew his sister was crushed.

_“ Am I not good enough, Connor? Am I not good enough for him?”_ She had sobbed into the speaker, and his stomach sank to his feet. He promised he'd go see her as soon as he had the chance, but he wasn't sure he could face her and comfort her, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to look at her in the face and tell her that it wasn't her fault, and that she did nothing wrong, and that it was all Evan's fault, but he did nothing wrong either.

Evan was still his friend. Evan had been one of his only friends all through high school, him and Jared were the only ones that bothered to look past the rumors and his outbursts and all of the stupid memes people made of him, and actually cared to get to know him, and support him. And at the same time he knew they were some of Evan's only friends, back when his anxiety made it impossible for him to even think about standing in the same general direction of another person.

The three of them had helped each other through anything and everything that was their hellish last year of high school. His attempt, and Evan's attempt, and all of them wished they had been friends before. Well, Jared and Evan wished they had been his friends before then, since both of them had been friends since before they even knew how to walk. It made him a little jealous, if he was to be completely honest, because before then, he only spent time with his sister.

When him and Jared started dating, Evan was the first one to know, and he was happy for them, although he really couldn't believe they could work out a romantic relationship when they always seemed like they were seconds away from murdering each other. He never told them to stop kissing and making out when they hung out and they'd get carried away, he'd just sit there awkwardly, glancing at them from the corner of his eye like they wouldn't notice.

Connor and Jared talked about it a lot, how he'd blush and bite his lip and pretend that the coffee table in his living room was the most interesting thing he had ever seen, he probably had the wood grain pattern memorized by that time.

How he'd shift in his seat and cross his leg whenever a hand slipped under someone's shirt and clothes started getting slightly out of place, or when Jared would moan particularly hard from the way Connor bucked his hips. They found it funny, so they'd keep doing it because, hey, flustered friend, right? Sometimes they'd tease him about it at lunch, and watch his face become the shade of McDonald's ketchup, watch him sputter and deny everything.

Connor sighed, rubbing his face and running a hand through his hair afterwards. He decided that he needed to distract himself, and since, unlike Jared, his job didn't require him to leave the house, Connor got up and made his way over to the guest room. It was alright, it had a bed and a place for Evan to store his clothes in, but it was also dusty, and there were some random knick knacks from the couple in there that probably no guest should accidentally stumble across.

Connor tied his hair up, and started cleaning the room. He wasn't a neat freak by a long shot, but whenever he was stressed he always did things that were out of character, like cleaning, or de-cluttering, or baking, or sucking Jared off against the door, although that one was very much in character. It wasn't perfect by any extent of the word, but it was better coping than what he used to do back in high school.

He tried to avoid thinking about Evan and Zoe, and instead focus on sweeping all of the dust off the floorboards. When that didn't work, he decided to completely rearrange the furniture in the room, not minding that the sound would probably wake up Evan.

Once the bed was pushed against a different wall and he had done the covers again, he wondered if Evan staying over meant him and Jared would have to hold on on having sex. He turned towards the wall the bed had been against initially and bit his lip. If yes, then that sucked, because Jared would get off work relatively soon and he was dying to be held.

Moving the bed meant more dust was discovered in the place it had been into, so he cleaned that up too. He looked at the dresser and decided that it should go against the ex-bed wall.

Connor sat down on the bed, because that damn dresser was heavy. He stretched his back and heard something pop, a dull ache nestling in his chest before it relinquished. He sighed, rubbing his neck as his thoughts skidded back to Evan's dilemma.

_What do I do?_

He didn't know what Evan should do, because going back with Zoe wasn't an option, and he knew that, but outside of that? He had no idea. He looked for one of Evan's business cards and made sure to call his boss to let them know that Evan was having an emergency, and that he'd go back to work as soon as it was possible for him. He found his boss to be understanding, and he imagined that perhaps Evan had been distracted at work the days before this all went down.

After moving more furniture, and putting it all back in place, and then moving it once again, Connor was tired enough that he didn't want to think about anything conflicting anymore, which had been his goal from the beginning.

He decided it was a good time to take a shower and soothe his aching muscles, so he moved over to the master bedroom, dug the closet for some clothes and marched over to the bathroom.

As the water washed away his sweat and stress, he sighed. He remembered a few years ago, when gay marriage got legalized. Him and Jared were cuddling in their living room, Connor was tired after sitting all day at the computer making logos for corporations that wouldn't last a full year, and all he wanted to do was rest his eyes. He was falling asleep on Jared's chest, with him gently twirling his hair in his fingers, when Connor's phone started ringing, and he groaned before picking it up.

“Are you watching the news?!” His sister's voice chirped through the speaker. Connor looked up at his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow, but he was just as lost.

“No?”

“Oh my God, Connor! Turn it on on channel 4!”

Jared shuffled for the controller, and did as they were instructed. Connor was expecting all sort of dreary news, but instead same sex marriage had just been legalized in the United States. He blinked a few times. It wasn't legal already? He had assumed it was. How shameful.

Suddenly he heard Jared squeak, and when he looked up, Jared had his hand under his glasses, his shoulders were shaking, and so Connor moved away from his chest so he could pull him into a kiss.

Jared squeezed him tightly, hiding his face in his shoulder for a minute before moving back, his hands on either side of Connor's face. He smiled as tears fell down his face.

“We can marry.” He whined, and Connor nodded dumbly, smiling back at him before he felt his cheeks getting wet with tears of his own. They kissed and Connor could hear his sister squealing from the phone.

They _could_ marry before that, since as far as the government was aware, neither of them was in a same sex relationship, but Connor didn't want to pop Jared's bubble with his own demons, so instead, he turned off the TV and held him close for the next few hours.

As Connor thought about it, and finished washing suds from his hair, he glanced down at his body. He wasn't too bothered by it anymore, not since Jared, because Jared couldn't give less of a fuck about Connor's insecurities, or rather, because Jared loved him blindly, and to him, Connor was perfect in any sense, which was ridiculous, but it worked, and Connor could never get angry at Jared for finding him handsome and attractive, now that would be ridiculous even for Connor's standards.

Connor found himself smiling softly as he dried himself and pulled on some of Jared's boxers over his own underwear and a gray hoodie, rubbing a towel over his still dripping hair and walking out of the shower and into their room. He blow dried his hair, humming a song under his breath as he brushed the knots out of it. He looked at his promise ring, he remembered Jared giving it to him and promising that, 'when they got their shit together', they would marry. Connor didn't know what shit they needed to get together, exactly, but he was glad, because he did not feel at all prepared to marry yet.

Afterwards, he collapsed into the bed and fell asleep face down into Jared's pillow, only waking up when he felt his boyfriend's lips on his neck. He smiled and turned around, pulling him down into a kiss.

“How was work?” He asked, sleep still clinging to his voice.

“Boring.” Jared whined, and Connor couldn't help but laugh. “What?”

“God you're so old, and you still act like a child.” He smiled, sitting up so he could move into his lap instead.

Jared gasped. “First of all I'm not old, I'm 28, I'm at my prime, okay? And second of all you're older than me, so checkmate.”

“Just six months.” Connor rolled his eyes with a playful smile, peppering kisses all over his face as he blindly undid his tie and slipped the jacket off of Jared's shoulders.

“Still counts.” Jared hummed, moving his hand to Connor's thigh and giving it a small squeeze. “You never argued you were six and a half or something?”

Connor paused as he thought about it. “Alright, you win.” He leaned in to connect their lips, pulling him closer by the collar of his shirt.

Jared smirked into the kiss, and Connor knew he had made a mistake by telling him he was right, because next thing he knew was that Jared had lifted him by the hips and then his back was hitting the mattress, which made him yelp, but Jared hadn't even broken the kiss, and now was pressing their hips together with a low hum while encouraging Connor to wrap his legs around his waist, which he happily complied with.

Connor pulled away to catch his breath. “Wait, what about Evan?”

“He can join in if he wants.” Connor punched his chest. “Oof, ouch, what? He's not married anymore, he's gay, plus it's not like-”

“Jared I'm serious.” Connor frowned, but it was out of concern, Jared noticed.

Jared rolled his eyes. “So you wanna put it on hold or something?” He watched as Connor looked away, apparently thinking it over before sighing and biting his lip.

“No,”

Jared grinned, leaning in to peck his lips before whispering into his ear, lowering his voice to an almost growl. “Then we're gonna need to be quiet.” Connor shuddered, and he had to bite back a whine before nodding. Good lord, his boyfriend was so hot when he wanted to.

-

When Evan woke up, it was because the main door opened, and Jared walked in with a weary sigh, dropping his bag into the floor with a thud before hissing a soft _'shit'_ when he noticed Evan sleeping.

Evan heard him walk away and stirred awake. He blinked a few times as he rubbed his eyes. Right, he was at Connor and Jared's place, he left Zoe, it went south because he's a piece of literal human garbage. He felt the weight of the world settling back on his shoulders, but he didn't want to cry anymore, he felt numb, empty.

He was hungry as fuck.

He looked around and noticed Connor was nowhere to be seen, and Jared didn't come back from, he assumed, their room. He was thinking about going out for a walk and maybe getting something cheap to eat when-

_“ Fuck-”_ He heard what must've been Connor's voice, but it sounded... off, muffled, a little strained, and whiny. Was he crying?

“Shh,” He assumed it was Jared shushing him, and he was getting ready to go see what was going on, straining his ears to make out the weird noises when all of a sudden it clicked.

_Oh._

He felt heat rising to his face when he realized that the weird shuffling noise must've been fabric rubbing together, and the wet kissing noises were too wet to be kissing. Evan felt a spark of electricity running down his legs and he cursed himself, echoing Connor's earlier _'Fuck'_ as he sat back down on the couch, throwing his head back and bumping it on the wall, which hurt like a bitch, but also completely killed his boner, and as he cried out in pain, it also caused the noises from the other room to stop.

He was not used to the furniture at his friend's house, he noticed, and that kind of made him feel homesick for a moment before his head started throbbing, heat spreading all over his scalp.

“Son of a bitch.” Evan hissed a little too loudly, rubbing his head with his hand. He confirmed that he was, thank God, not bleeding, and breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't particularly feel like visiting the hospital.

After a beat or two, he heard Jared's particular laugh from another room, followed by him calling out to him. “You alright, Evan?”

“I think I may have a concussion.” He grumbled.

“Okay, but you alright?”

Evan smiled, breathing out through his nose as he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I'm alright.”

“Cool. Hello, by the way.”

Evan laughed. Like full on laughter, his chest hurt from it and he was doubled over. By the time he could straighten up, Jared and Connor were standing in the hallway looking at him like he was a lost child, and he didn't blame them, he was sure all of their neighbors heard him headbut the wimpy wall. He took note of the fact that Jared's shirt was unbuttoned but still tucked into his trousers, he had his arm around Connor's shoulders, who looked like he was wearing lounge-wear, his hands hidden in the pockets of the too-big hoodie he was wearing, probably Jared's. He didn't know Connor shaved his legs.

“Hi, Jared.” He grinned.

“You were asleep when I arrived, so.” He shrugged.

Evan nodded. “So you decided to dick down your boyfriend?” He gave them a teasing grin, and Jared snickered.

“Listen Ev, we have rules in this house.”

“Mmhm?”

“Everyone awake at eight, dinner at seven, dick is served hot at five.” Jared said, almost too seriously.

“You gotta bring your own.” Connor added, leaning his head into Jared's shoulder.

Jared nodded. “I mean, I already share mine, I think there's enough-” Jared snapped his mouth shut when Connor glared at him. “What?”

Connor said nothing, he merely walked into the kitchen, and Evan felt his stomach sink all the way to his feet. “Dinner at seven.” Connor muttered.

Evan had offered to help with dinner, since he was staying for free and all, but Connor kept shrugging him off, eventually he had to give up, and had to go sit with Jared at the dinner table, his feelings of inadequacy coming back full force as he was forced to do nothing but wait.

“He's very fussy with his food.” Jared smiled, not looking up from his phone.

“I'm not fussy, Jared, aren't you Jewish?”

“Yeah,” He chirped. “But I don't keep kosher. Evan on the other hand...” He trailed off, glancing at his friend who shrugged.

“Zoe made me vegetarian.” He chuckled, sulking immediately after.

Connor scoffed from the kitchen. “It's because she doesn't cook.”

Evan laughed lightheartedly and nodded. “Precisely. We always ordered food.”

“Well _I_ cook, and I cook good, and _I_ keep kosher, so I win.”

Evan remembered Connor converted in college, Jared had bragged about it non-stop for months, how he and his magic dick had converted a goy. Apparently his bubbeh had made his zaydeh convert, and his mom had converted for his dad, so it was like a thing that ran in the family: Judaism survives because of the Kleiman's. Zoe never converted for him, neither did he for her. Their wedding had been... complicated in that aspect.

What couldn't be denied, though, was the fact that Connor was a damn good cook, and he had all and every right to brag about it, because Evan had Cynthia's food when he met Zoe and Connor's parents, and it was awful, and he also had Zoe's food the handful of times she had been in the mood to 'experiment' and it was so bad, she'd be the first one to get up from the table and order a cheese pizza instead, so the fact that Connor's casseroles were always the first ones gone at potlucks was no small accomplishment.

Evan was amused when Connor whipped out a whole -kosher- lasagna within twenty minutes, maybe less, and of course it was delicious, and of course he had seconds, and of course Jared stole some of Connor's and Connor scorned him because he could've just grabbed some more from the kitchen.

After food, Evan insisted on washing the dishes, and miraculously succeeded, mainly because he didn't tell anything to Connor before he started, and he didn't stop when Connor started nagging at him to stop because it was Jared's turn that day, and then Jared swoop him up, threw him over his shoulder and took him to the living room, so after struggling with greasy pots and other such things, he walked out of the kitchen, once again feeling exhausted.

He found them making out on the couch, and he stared at them until they pulled away to look at him, which caused him to wince and sputter an apology as he ran past them to pick up his suitcase and take it over to the guest room so he could take his mind off of everything and just put his things away.

When he finished folding his clothes and storing them in the drawers, Evan saw himself in a mirror for the first time that day and, unsurprisingly, he looked like crap.

His hair was tangled and sticking up everywhere, and he remembered the kind of moment he chose to tell Zoe about his preferences. His eyes looked swollen, red, and he had gigantic eye bags underneath. His face was tear streaked, his stupid blonde stubble was visible and his clothes were wrinkled, his collar was inside out, and he had mismatched the buttons of his shirt, like a damn kindergartner. All in all, he looked disgusting.

It occurred to him that Jared and Connor had been looking at him that whole day, and the whole time he looked like that, and he felt embarrassed and ashamed.

He decided he needed to take a shower.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's shorter than the first and less tense too, but next one makes up for it hehehe
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated, what do you think Evan should do? What do you think Jared and Connor should do? Are Connor and Jared the biggest dorks in existence? (Spoiler: Yes they are)


	4. Chapter Three: High school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day he found out Jared and Connor had been dating in secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do teenagers do nowadays? Things get nastee.
> 
> Yes, last paragraph (and last line) are back in the present.

Evan was trying to make sense of everything going on in his mind, intently staring at his ceiling and the three glow stars that still hung there, _'out of spite'_ he remembered Connor saying, and then all three of them were laughing, looking up at the greenish plastic. Evan had decided that they were for each one of them, but of course he never told them, because that was corny and gay and Jared would make fun of him forever if he ever did say it.

He frowned, his cast rested heavy over his stomach. It didn't hurt quite as much anymore, not if he didn't bang it against anything like he had a tendency to do. He glanced down at his cast, CONNOR was spelled in big bold letters on the back of it, taking up the entire length of his arm, upside down from his point of view. He lifted his arm and looked at the equally big and bold JARED that rested on the underside of it.

“Wait what the fuck?” Jared had frowned, shooting Connor a glare when he saw Evan remove his sweater with major efforts.

Connor shrugged. “What? No one had signed it, free real estate.” He gave Jared a smug smile and cocked his head to the side. “Are you jealous, or something?”

“No way, this doesn't stay like this. Evan, give me a sharpie, I'm your friend too.”

“Wh-what? I-I asked you t-to sign it before!” Evan retorted, instinctively cradling his arm against his chest and covering it with his good one.

Jared rolled his eyes. “And I was going to! But then you told me 'no dicks' and I was like, _fine_ I won't sign it, then.” Evan's eyes widened as he registered the joke that Jared had tried to make back at lunch, and how he had simply thanked him in return. Connor snickered, but Evan could see Jared was genuinely upset.

He fished through his pockets, pulling out a marker and giving it over to his friend, who promptly grabbed his arm and flipped it over. What was up with boys jostling his broken arm like a sack of potatoes?! “O-ouch! Jared!”

“Sorry.” Jared mumbled, focusing on spelling his name correctly, because ever since kindergarten he had a tendency to spell his name as 'jred' whenever he was nervous or under pressure. When it was done, Jared smiled smugly and capped the marker, giving it back to its owner and pushing his glasses up with his knuckles. “There you go, now you have _two_ dicks on your cast until they take it off.”

Connor nodded as he shrugged. “Fair enough. You didn't tell me you didn't want dicks, or _assholes_ on your cast.” He shot a pointed glare at Jared, who stuck his tongue out at him and flipped him off.

“Cunt.”

“Wow, clever.” Connor conceded, crossing his arms.

Evan sighed as he replayed the events of that day at school in his head. Why did he think that their petty fighting was cute? Why did he think that _both_ of his _only_ friends were cute? At the same time? That couldn't be right, could it? Plus Jared was right, they were both assholes.

“Hey Ev,” Jared had asked without looking up from the TV, focusing on not losing his match against Connor. He had picked Kirby, Connor was Daisy, and he was not about to lose against a _Daisy_ main _._ Evan always picked Joshi, but he wasn't playing, on account of, he couldn't hold the controller and he had whined a lot that it was unfair to have him play when he couldn't push half of the buttons and thus had _obviously_ had zero chances of not losing until the other two agreed.

“Yeah?” Evan looked down at him, since Jared was sitting on the floor.

“How do you jack off with the cast on?”

Connor perked up from the love seat he was sprawled on, watching Evan with curious eyes, watching how his face steadily became more and more of a strawberry-like shade. “J-Jared, what the fuck?!” He screeched, his shoulders tensing up, almost up to his ears.

Jared merely shrugged, pausing the game and ignoring Connor's complaints. He turned to Evan and pushed his glasses up. “Just curious.”

It was true, Jared had a tendency to say the first thing that came to his mind without measuring his words, so sometimes they came out a little harsher than he meant to, sometimes they came out a little jumbled and he had to slow down after three attempts at increasingly more senseless and more frustrating corrections.

Connor quirked an eyebrow at him, then smiled mischievously. “Hansen, don't tell me you don't masturbate.” Connor didn't like euphemisms, he was direct like that, and sometimes it was a little awkward.

The blush on his face grew in intensity and he could faintly hear Jared's amused _woah_ over the booming of Connor's laughter and the rushing of blood in his ears.

“Dude you have the whole house for yourself most of the time, that's like, perfect masturbation conditions, I'd _kill_ for having a moment alone at home.” Connor huffed, his own cheeks dusting a light pink as he pushed his hair out of his face and plopped back down on his seat. Jared agreed.

“W-well I, um, I d-don't b-because I eh, I just don't feel the need to?”

“What?!” Connor screeched, straightening back up. Evan watched as his hair set around him like a cloud before languidly following gravity's rules.

“No fucking way.” Jared gaped. Evan couldn't feel more humiliated. “You're bullshitting me, I knew you were a late bloomer but _that_ late?”

Evan nodded, of course it was a lie. The real reason why he never masturbated was because he was quite the visual guy, and although he'd start out just fine, staring at his ceiling and trying to keep his ducks in a row, eventually he'd be imagining actual people, particularly his friends, and when post nut clarity hit, it always left him feeling disgusted and like he had betrayed them.

One day he found out Jared and Connor had been dating in secret.

He was waiting for them in the parking lot, like it had become routine by then, when he realized that almost every car had already left. He panicked and checked his phone, double checked that the car he was standing by was Jared's, which was stupid because he knew that car inside and out.

He took a few calming breaths, and decided to go back inside the building, since neither of them were seeing his messages, and he wouldn't be surprised if both of them had gotten detention in the last hour, because yes, it had happened before, and yes, it was not unusual.

As he walked down the main hallway, he glanced at one of the side corridors when he saw them. He breathed in relief and was going to make his way over to them when he stopped.

Connor had Jared cornered against his locker, his hand firmly pressed next to his head as he loomed down on Jared, who was pretty short compared to almost everyone, particularly Connor, who was decently tall compared to almost everyone. They seemed to be arguing about something, Connor gesturing with his free hand, his brow furrowed as Jared vehemently shook his head, arms crossed over his chest.

Connor retreated his hand from the locker and suddenly slammed it back down, making Jared jolt. Despite the distance, and the fact that they were speaking low enough Evan hadn't been able to make out a single sound thus far, he was able to hear Connor's frustrated _I can't!_ clear as water.

Suddenly Jared's eyes softened, and he nodded, mouthing what looked like _'okay'_ or _'alright'_ before standing on his toes and pressing his lips against Connor's, and then if that wasn't enough to make Evan's stomach feel like he had swallowed shards of glass, Connor kissed back.

Evan had been so shocked, that he stood there, watching them with wide eyes until they broke the kiss and Connor nodded his head in a 'let's get out of here' way and Jared agreed. He watched as Connor reached for his hand and how they turned on their heels and watched as their faces drained of all color as they saw him standing there. He felt his stomach churn as both of their hands let go of each other, Connor shoving them in the pockets of his jacket and Jared rushing to grip his backpack straps.

Evan felt guilty even though, logically, he knew that he had done nothing wrong.

He didn't see when or how Connor had made his way over to where he was, but when he realized, he was being threatened, his friend towering over him and frowning deeply.

“How much did you see, Hansen?”

“Yeah, and what did you hear?” Jared added, crossing his arms over his chest. Evan felt like bursting to tears as his two only friends turned against him when he had done nothing wrong.

“I-I didn't! I-I was just wai-waiting for you guys b-but you were taking too long so I- I wasn't eavesdropping I swear! I just- I just saw you guys kiss and um-” He looked at the floor and even then noticed how both of them stiffened. His eyes widened and he rushed to look up at them, just as Connor was opening his mouth to very obviously yell at him. “B-but there's nothing wrong with that! You do you, I-I mean you're my best friends and I love you and I don't think there's anything wrong if you're gay- or-or bisexual, or anything!”

He breathed out as his friends visibly relaxed, Jared grinned, and Connor glowered at him for a few seconds before nodding.

“Thank you.” Connor muttered, trying to get the muscles of his face to relax again.

Evan smiled, nodding his head and feeling like a weight lifted off his shoulders. He glanced at Jared and raised his eyebrows, amused. “So much for calling _me_ gay.”

Jared laughed. “Hey, a boy can dream, right?” He watched as Connor shoved him with a playful smile before rolling his eyes at him.

Evan was happy for them, but... A part of him felt upset about their relationship.

At first he'd thought it was just a casual thing, as one would expect from Connor and Jared, a 'kissing in the locker room, janitor closet and under the stairs' kinda deal, but soon found out that he was oh so wrong about them.

They were in love. Like an actual, head over heels kinda deal, love, _love._

They cuddled a lot, Evan discovered, now that he knew about them and had insisted that he wasn't uncomfortable with their relationship.

When they played video games, for example, Connor would sit between Jared's legs, lazily lying against his chest. Jared would rest his chin on top of his head, arms wrapped around his chest as he blindly pushed the buttons of the controller. Then they'd bicker that the other had cheated but wouldn't go in depth about it.

Now that he knew about them, he also noticed the way they looked at each other. They still argued and showed off, but when he looked closely, he could always notice the way Connor held back a smile, or the way Jared shot little, softer glances at him before getting back in character. It was adorable, tooth rottingly sweet, but it made the pit of Evan's stomach squeeze painfully.

It came as no surprise to find out just how handsy they were. That much he had expected.

They seemed to have no regard for Evan's existence whenever they kissed and they started getting into it. Evan knew, by that point, that if a kiss lasted more than three seconds, he better start crossing his legs.

Perhaps it was his fault for never telling them anything. While he wasn't quite as tease-prone as either of them, he wondered if that's what they needed to hold back when they were in public. Still, he never said anything to them.

He tried to be respectful of them, too, but he often caught himself staring out of the corner of his eye. He couldn't help the impulse to bite his lip, or his nervous fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Sometimes he'd notice either of them flickering their eyes at him, and smirking, which would cause him to stumble his eyes over anything else in order to not look at them anymore.

Evan was an average teenage boy, in fact, if he were any more average, his name would be Billy and he'd like skating or something, so it should be no surprise that he had... certain impulses.

Ever since Connor and Jared started ditching him during hangout time in favor of eating each other's face, he had started having certain strange, horrifying and revolting dreams. Although perhaps strange and horrifying wasn't the right way to put it, revolting was more like it, unwelcome and inappropriate following suit.

He'd often find himself waking up drenched in sweat, an uncomfortable lump in his pajama pants drenched in what most definitively _wasn't_ sweat. He'd go to school feeling uncomfortable, because he never woke up early enough to be able to do something about it, and then he'd come home from school feeling even more uncomfortable, and he'd have to hold on for a few hours because there was not a single day where his friends didn't come over. And there was not a single day where his friends didn't start going at it on his couch, and on days like that, it was unbearable and borderline tortuous. Those were the days where he actually wanted to yell at them to separate, but of course, he never did, he just waited for Connor to pull away from his boyfriend, red faced, struggling to ignore the hands under his dark tee shirt as he told Evan that they better get going. Evan would nod even as his mind replayed the breathless edge in his voice, and he'd always look at Jared to find him smugly smirking at him, which made him feel like he had been found.

Once the door was closed, and Connor had practically dragged Jared into his car by the hair, Evan would tip toe his way upstairs and into his room. He knew they never left right away, because he'd always peek through his blind and he'd see the car right there in his driveway.

Evan would lie down on his bed and close his eyes as he tried to cool himself off. It never worked, and he'd always find himself gritting his teeth as his hand sneaked its way down his chest, screwing his eyes shut as his fingers dipped under his waistband, after all, what the eyes don't see, the heart can't feel, right?

He'd always find himself thinking about a million things, How it was always Connor that sat on Jared's lap and never the other way around, how whenever Jared sneaked a hand into Connor's long hair, Connor would always glare at him and Jared would snicker before letting go. He'd find himself biting his lip, did Connor like having his hair pulled? Did _Jared_ like having his hair pulled? He'd hum, _probably_.

He always had many questions swirling around his head as he pumped himself in his room. Did they have sex? They probably had sex, he'd heard them allude to it several times at lunch, Connor nagging about Jared being a loudmouth and almost getting them caught, Jared insisting that Zoe probably knew since her room was right next to his. Evan would shudder. Did they get off on almost getting caught? Was it thrilling? It probably was thrilling, Evan always had the house for himself at times like this, but it made him wonder what it must feel like trying to get off while his mom was somewhere in the house, he was already quiet, but still.

Evan would always start clothed, but eventually decide his jeans were bothersome. He wondered if they started clothed too or if they always got naked before getting to it. Did they take off their own clothes or did they undress each other.

He wondered what they looked like naked.

He had a vague idea about Jared, from all the times they'd go to the public swimming pool during summer, and the handful of times they showered at the same time afterwards. Evan remembers complaining about Jared following him into the public showers and asked him to wait and tell him if someone was coming, Jared would never budge, because the showers were public and also because the chlorine made him itchy and red if he left it to dry on his skin. But last time he saw Jared naked was a good five years ago, he wondered if he had changed since then, had he grown? Had he stayed the same? Was Jared a grower or a shower? He'd think about Connor. He tried to imagine his body under all of his dark clothes. He didn't like euphemisms but what would he like it to be called? His dick? His cock? Neither felt particularly fitting, but then everything else felt... wrong.

Evan would gulp as his mind went over to the same question that had plagued him since his body was hit full speed by puberty: What was sex like? Was it similar or was it better than masturbation? He hoped it was better, but he couldn't imagine how that could be possible, he'd heard it was better, at least, but his mind couldn't come up with a better sensation than that of his hand tightly gripping himself. Was the orgasm better when it was caused by another person? He already found his legs shaking whenever he finished, his lungs struggling for air, but as he thought of Jared and Connor being pretty much unable to keep their hands off of each other he couldn't help but feel like he was missing out on something good.

Once he wasn't panting and heaving anymore, shame would quickly sink into his chest like a brick thrown in water. He always felt disgusting and like he had punched a kid in the face, like he wanted to throw up. He'd get up and pull on his clothes, wipe his hand in a bunch of tissues and move on before his mind started dwelling on feelings he wasn't ready to put a name to just yet.

He knew they never left right away, because afterwards he'd look through the blinds. The car was still in his driveway. He wondered if they knew.

One faithful day that Evan still couldn't bring himself to regret, there was Zoe Murphy.

Evan had often seen her strutting about the hallways, with that comfortable confidence she carried herself with. He knew she laughed a lot and was very sarcastic, he knew she had long silky hair that probably smelled amazing, and he knew that she was Connor's younger sister.

Evan hesitated as he saw her standing by Jared's car, looking at her phone screen with an air of disinterest, and then her eyes fluttered up to him and he felt his heart stutter in his chest, warmth spreading across his cheeks.

Of course Evan's anxiety reacted that way whenever _anyone_ looked at him, but as Evan took note of the fact that her eyes were different than those of Connor, not only in color, but in the way she looked at him like she wasn't about to crack a joke about his expression, he decided it must be a crush.

“Hey Evan.”

“Um, h-hi, hi Zoe.” His eyes dropped to the floor, he started nervously thumbing the frayed edge of his shirt. He knew that the wear and tear that this particular habit of his put on his garments probably made it look unkempt and sloppy, but he always found it soothing. “Are you, um, are you w-waiting for Connor?”

He watched her nod. “Mhm, Larry told me to fish him up after school, because he can't keep avoiding going home and all that crap.” She rolled her eyes and Evan felt his lungs constrict.

“S-sorry.” Her eyes landed on his face, so he gulped before continuing. “H-he always stops by my house after school, we uh, we do homework a-and, and play video games.”

“Yeah,” Zoe agreed, slipping her phone into her pocket. “But he hasn't been sleeping at home this week. I guess he's just worried he's like, sleeping around with an old man or something.”

_Oh no, just with Jared_ , was what he would've said if his anxiety hadn't grabbed him by the throat. Instead he nodded. “M-makes sense.”

“Yeah...” She looked back towards the school building and sighed. There was an awkward pause where neither looked at each other. “Do you have siblings?”

Evan shook his head. “N-no- well, not really, t-technically yes, my dad has other children, b-but I don't, I don't even know them so.” He shut his mouth before he could start rambling even more and freak her out about his messy relationship with his dad and his very obvious daddy issues.

“Lucky.” She smiled.

“I-I wish I had siblings tho.”

Zoe nodded. “I guess everyone wants what they don't have.” The way she looked at the floor as she said this had him feeling like he wasn't supposed to hear that, and then she rubbed the toe of her sneakers on the pavement.

“C-Connor's cool.” He heard a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, when he's not home.”

Evan knew Connor and Zoe's relationship was strained back then, in fact, he knew that Connor's relationship with his whole family was strained at best back then, because him and Jared had comforted him numerous times whenever he was forced to spend time at home, he himself had uttered the words _'Fuck Larry'_ or its variations ' _Fuck your dad'_ and ' _Fuck him'_ more times than he was willing to admit in front of Zoe. In fact, that had been his first reaction when he heard his name.

They chatted a little longer before his friends arrived, walking a foot away from each other like they always did at school. He saw Connor's lips curl downwards when he noticed his sister, his eyebrows tugging down as well. Connor really didn't like being at his parent's house, which is why Evan was happy for them when he and Jared finally bought a small studio apartment before they moved into the one they currently inhabited, once they weren't earning minimum wage and were able to afford something nicer.

Evan noticed his feelings for Zoe didn't go away like he had somewhat expected. It made a weight in his chest lift.

He noticed many things about her whenever they talked, which was more often now that the first shot had been fired, for example, he noticed that her face, apart from her eyes, was pretty much the same as Connor's. Back then Connor's face was much softer than now, his jaw was less angular, and while he had always had noticeable cheekbones because of how malnourished he was, they weren't nearly as sharp as they were now.

Zoe didn't frown as much when she was at school, but like Connor, whenever she mentioned home or her parents, her face would betray her, and she looked troubled. Evan didn't like seeing that expression on her face, as used as he was to seeing it in Connor's face, because even in Connor's face, it made his chest ache for him. He wanted to protect Zoe, because unlike Connor, she never stood up to her parents, and although that got her off the hook most of the time, Evan knew how emotionally worn down she was from just standing there watching as her dad screamed at and threatened her brother.

He had held her many times when her walls broke down and she was unable to keep her indifferent facade. Evan didn't know things were this bad at the Murphy's house, Connor always made it seem like Zoe was left alone and like he could handle their parents by himself.

Now he knew it was a lie.

Now whenever Connor broke down about an argument, and when he stressed that it was fine because he had yelled back and stood his ground, Evan knew to put a supportive hand on his shoulder. He also knew to expect a different story once he talked to Zoe.

One particular day they were all at his house, they were doing homework, he was mulling over a calculus problem while thinking of the names Zoe told him Larry called Connor, and how Connor never went into detail and just said that Larry had said stupid shit to him. Jared and Connor weren't kissing, because Jared was explaining, for what must've been the fifth time, how to solve one of the equations, and Connor still looked confused and Jared looked ten times more frustrated than when he had started.

Evan decided that he was too distracted and needed to get a glass of water. Connor agreed that Jared should take a breather too, because his explanations were more and more frantic and his patience was wearing thin. Jared grumbled something, but he budged.

As Evan stretched over to pick a glass from the top cabinet, and cursed himself for losing track of the stool his mom and he used to access the top cabinets, Connor easily grabbed three glasses and set them down. Evan looked at him, and he noticed his lips were chapped and dry, and they looked like Connor had been walking through the desert for hours. Zoe's lips were always soft looking and smooth, because she wore chapstick, although he knew sometimes Connor wore it too, he'd either forget or Jared would jest at him because he always picked cherry or apple flavors.

Suddenly he felt a hard push on his chest, and he stumbled before he caught himself.

“What the fuck, Hansen?!” Connor's voice was rough, but surprise sipped in through the cracks.

Evan realized what he had done. He looked at the door, and Jared's mouth was hanging open, like he was screaming at a pitch that only dogs would be able to hear. Evan felt his face burning in shame, and he started stumbling through sheer nonsense when Connor stomped out of the kitchen.

Evan thought about that rough shove a lot more than he should have, and he was ashamed he had enjoyed it as much as he did.

A few weeks later, when some of the tension from that incident had cleared, they were all sitting in the living room, Connor was on the love seat on Jared's right, because he was still avoiding Evan, even if he tried to be subtle. Jared was all the way on the edge of the couch, leaning into the arm rest, and Evan was on his left, a few feet away, eyes trained on the TV. They were watching a movie Jared had insisted on watching. No one was finding it interesting, because Jared had a tendency to purposefully pick awful, weird and confusing European experimental movies, for some damn, annoying reason.

“This movie blows.” Jared groaned, because he always complained about them too.

“It sucks ass.” Connor agreed, still looking at the screen.

“I-I don't understand anything.” Evan cocked his head. “Is- is the plot this confusing on purpose?”

“I didn't even notice it had a plot.” Jared raised his eyebrows, amused.

“Why did you pick this movie?” Connor groaned into his hands, because it had only been 30 minutes and it felt like they had dragged on for days.

Jared merely shrugged. “Europeans make freaky shit, dont'cha think?”

Evan twisted his mouth, because he never understood the movies, he never even knew what the fuck was going on on screen, but it always made him feel deeply uncomfortable for some reason.

“No, experimental movies are freaky and awful, American or otherwise.” Connor argued.

“I guess you're right.” Jared mused. “Evan did you order that-” Jared turned to look at him, but for some reason cut himself short.

Evan didn't understand why until he felt himself being yanked back. Connor was holding the pack of his polo shirt's collar, and was glaring at him in a way that made him feel like he was going to drop dead in the following ten seconds.

He looked back, his hands were still holding Jared's cheeks, and when he realized this he paled, retreating his hands and wringing them together over his chest, wishing he could just detach his arms at the shoulder instead.

“ _What_ the fuck, Hansen.” Connor drawled, and Evan felt himself sink, but he agreed. What the fuck?! What in the 9 circles of Christian hell was wrong with him?!

He panicked, and instead of stumbling through an apology, he ran away, which, yes, was very stupid because that was his house, but he ran, and ran and didn't stop until he found himself at the park he had worked at during the summer. His legs were shaking and he was out of breath, but he kept walking almost mechanically. He sat under the tree he would always sit under when he wanted to think, only this time he didn't want to think, he wanted to cry, because his chest and throat hurt from running so much, or maybe it wasn't the running. Either way he cried, and he stayed at the park until he was sure neither of his friends would be at his house anymore.

Evan decided to focus all of his energy on Zoe going forward, and managed to convince himself that the reason he had kissed both of his friends was because, in reality, he was curious about her. He did kiss Connor first, and Connor, being Zoe's older brother, looked eerily similar to her.

He decided he was right, and there was no arguing with himself after that.

Of course, Evan never thought about Zoe when he was alone in his room, he found that it always made him uncomfortable enough to stop and feel disgusted, and while at first he thought it was because he respected her very much, and he did respect her very much, now he could see the real reason he never found himself aroused by her body.

But that was eleven years ago, now he knew he was a sucker for neck kisses and that Jared was more than eager to comply, and he also knew that he liked having his back pressed against Connor's chest, with his hands working blindly to undo the fly of his trousers while Jared made quick work of his shirt buttons. And he liked how all three of them struggled to fit in the much too narrow couch of their living room, Connor's legs around his body, Jared on his knees in between Evan's legs, one of which was dangling over the edge. He liked holding onto the back rest as he craned his neck both to let Jared kiss it more easily, and to chase after Connor's lips. And he also liked Jared's whimpering, and Connor's impatient hissing, and for the first time in years, he liked having hands roaming his body, fingers tangling on the locks of his chest, warm bodies pressing against his own.

And he knew he liked this because it was happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *describes Evan jerking off*  
> Me: *won't say he k*ssed the boys*
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, comments are very much appreciated, can't wait to see your reactions to the next chapters.  
> Take care of yourselves!


	5. Chapter Four: The bachelor party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again they budged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Alcohol use, nasty stuff.

When Evan asked them to plan his bachelor party, they both had refused at first, but eventually caved in to their friend's pleading.

Connor doesn't remember much about that party, they went to some bars and took Evan to a strip tease club, because they thought it would be funny, and because it actually was.

Evan sat there completely tense, gripping his chair and closing his eyes tightly when he got a lap dance from one of the girls. They teased him about it a lot. He had tried to defend himself saying he was loyal to Zoe and crap like that, but then Connor caught him checking Jared out, and he couldn't blame him, because he looked damn good in those tailored trousers.

Then they went to the hotel, because they actually traveled all the way to Las Vegas just for that fiasco. They had been drinking a lot, Evan could barely stand at that point, and unsurprisingly, Connor and Jared were horny drunks, so they were making out in their bed, Evan sitting on the floor and looking at them, he kept whining and whining that it wasn't fair they kept doing that when his fiancee was so far away.

“Well that's a shame.” Connor said, pulling away from Jared's mouth just to shoot a playful look at his friend. “You know, if you weren't about to marry my sister, maybe you could join us.”

Evan had huffed, angrily getting up from the floor. Connor had thought that perhaps he was going to storm out of the room, so he was getting ready to chase after him, since he had better alcohol tolerance than any of them, but instead, Evan shoved him aside, and smashed his lips against Jared's.

The next morning he had expected Evan to feel guilty about drunkenly kissing both of them until he passed out, but once again he was wrong.

“What?!” Jared sputtered, almost dropping his glass of coke into the bed.

“A threesome.” Evan repeated before taking a sip from his water. “I-I mean, if I'm gonna tie the knot anyway, isn't this like, what others do at their bachelors?” He asked, looking over at Connor, who was staring at him with his mouth full of toast and an amused look in his eyes.

“No, Evan.” He stated, once he had managed to swallow, and washed it down with some water. “Other men don't fuck their best friends days before they marry someone else.”

“But they do fuck prostitutes.” Evan said, matter of fact, arms crossed over his chest.

“Well, not always.” Jared said, frowning. Connor knew he was confused, which surprised him, had this been Evan's plan from the beginning? Is that why he had insisted they didn't invite anyone else? And Jared wasn’t in on it?

They argued some more, trying to get Evan to come to his senses, wondering if the alcohol had abandoned his system yet.

But once again, they budged.

He remembers Evan taking out his shirt, gingerly pressing a hand over his chest and watching Connor's reaction before smiling and kissing him again. He was pressed against the wall with Evan's body against his, Jared behind him, kissing whatever he could reach from his shoulders and neck.

Jared was the loudest of the three, it was something Connor loved about him, because Jared was loud and obnoxious, he was always talking and trying to fill every single silence that came his way. That's why he was banned from the school's library, so it was no surprise that during sex, not only did Jared moan and pant and whine at every chance, but he also made offhand comments and cracked jokes, which sometimes made him pause and double over because Good Lord, how could he say that during sex?

Evan was the quietest. As he lay there, on his back, with Jared dicking him down and Connor sitting off the side, still wearing his pants, he watched as Evan's face contorted in a million different ways, but no sound ever left him, he didn't even open his mouth, not even when he finished. His eyes just snapped open, and he kind of gasped, groaned really lowly, and closed his eyes again.

Jared moved to kiss Connor, and started undoing the fly of his trousers when Evan perked up again, still heaving. He'd asked if he could have a go with Connor before letting them do whatever they wanted. Jared looked at him, and Connor hesitated for a second before nodding.

Evan ran his hands all over Connor's body and kissed him all over. Connor didn't mind the way he kneaded his breasts and held his waist, or the way Jared had to guide him around his anatomy before he had him squirming under his mouth, and his fingers, and eventually, him.

Evan looked at him very closely, which made him blush and feel a little awkward. Then he and Jared did their own thing, which, in his biased opinion was much better, because he knew exactly how to handle him and wasn't overly careful with him. Evan watched as Connor rode him and neither of them missed the movements of his hand.

When everyone was done and panting in the bed, Connor was clinging to Jared's side and Evan was slightly off to the side. He felt sweaty and sticky, and his legs hurt like a motherfucker, because for all that's worth, Jared was pretty rough, which you would never hear him complaining about, because it had taken him a while to coax him into being comfortable enough to know that he wasn't going to actually hurt him.

“I didn't know Jared topped.” Evan mumbled.

“Mm, he's damn good.” Connor agreed, leaning in to kiss his boyfriend's jaw and smiling up to him wearily.

Jared chuckled, everyone knew he was embarrassed, but proud. “Should I put it in my resume?” He teased.

That was their last day at the hotel, and when they went back home, Zoe ran into his arms at the airport, she hugged her brother and even hugged Jared. No one addressed the bachelor party anymore.

When asked about it they had said that it had been fun, but what happens in Vegas...

And then they married. Connor helped Jared pick a suit that made him look a thousand times sexier than he usually did, which, he realized, was a mistake, because being unable to keep your hands off your boyfriend at your best friend's and sister's wedding is, perhaps, not very appropriate guest behavior.

Jared seemed pleased with his own looks, because he kept running his eyes over him appreciatively as they gathered their things before leaving. Connor was surprised that after this long, Jared still wasn't tired of him, but he wasn't going to complain about it.

Once they arrived, -early because they had to help Evan get ready and all that 'friend of the groom' shit,- Connor went to find his sister to poke fun at how nervous he must be, Jared trailing behind him, mostly to appreciate his boyfriend's backside and legs as well.

Zoe was, to put it mildly, a bundle of nerves, pure anxiety running over her, which was hilarious considering how confident she was all of the time. She was crying too, excited about what was going to happen and what it meant for her and Evan.

Connor helped her style her hair, since she used to style his back in middle and high school, and also because he had plenty of experience styling his own hair when him and Jared had nowhere to go but he wanted to feel nice. In typical sibling fashion, he assured her that she looked 'as good as it gets', and watched her stick her tongue out at him.

Then they went looking for Evan. Both of them faltered at the door. White motherfucking suit, pink tie. Connor had to take a deep breath and remind himself that he was marrying his sister that same fucking day. He looked down at his and Jared's black suits and something didn't sit well with him.

The whole day was spent holding back bitter tears, holding back himself, trying to think about literally anything that wasn't the fact that Evan didn't love his sister, that he didn't want to get married, and that he spent a week before that cursed Bachelor Party just sobbing in their apartment about what a big mistake he was doing.

He held the rings for him, and when Evan took Zoe's ring, that was the only time that whole night where he didn't spare a glance at them. He kept his eyes on the ring, his other hand holding Zoe's in place. He was shaking, he almost dropped it.

Connor kept his eyes trained on the wall in front of him, a weak attempt to not break down while his sister gave her vows, the ones he helped her write.

And then the Rabbi, that they spent a while looking for because this was an interfaith wedding, asked if anyone had any objections to their union. He tensed, Jared tensed, they hoped it wasn't obvious for the other guests. Connor had to squeeze his own hand to stop it from shooting up, jaw clenched to stop himself from shouting that he had many objections to this, that Evan couldn't just carry on like he meant his words when he kept trying to not glance at them as he said them.

Suddenly Jared's hand was on his. He looked down and saw him smiling up at him, sadness tucked away in his expression.  _ It's gonna be alright,  _ he said with his eyes,  _ We still have each other.  _ Connor smiled, wondering when did his class clown of a boyfriend become so mature.

And then she was kissing him, and he was holding her there and crying. Connor felt a weight lift off his shoulders. Maybe then things would go back to normal, maybe then they could forget the incident and keep moving forward. He had a deep seated feeling in his chest that he was wrong, but he decided to ignore it in favor of clapping and congratulating them.

Connor could have lived with that, so could Jared, until a year into Evan's marriage.

It was a Saturday morning and Zoe was out of town with their parents, a family trip he refused with the excuse of being swamped with work.

Connor heard knocking at the door and unfortunately, lost his rock against Jared's scissors, (which he only realized once he was actually awake, was bullshit) and had to open the door.

Evan was there, and Connor couldn't quite read his expression, he was tired, so he invited him to come in and Evan agreed happily.

“Connor I need your help.” Evan asked, staring into his coffee before looking up at him.

“Sure, anything.” He raised an eyebrow at him, perplexed at his friend's strange behavior. He watched as Evan bit his lip and glanced away from the table, a light blush spreading through his cheeks.

“I- I can't get off... When I'm with Zoe.” He admitted, lowering his voice like she would be able to hear him from all the way in Colorado.

Connor stared at him for a few seconds, unsure of what exactly Evan was asking him to do. “I can get you an appointment with-”

“No, it's not  _ that. _ ” Evan looked down, shame evident on his face. “There's- there's nothing wrong with it, I just-” He gulped, and Connor waited patiently for him to continue. “I had no problems getting off this morning, by myself. It's not me, it's  _ Zoe. _ ”

Connor furrowed his eyebrows. “Talk to her? I don't think she can know what you like if you don't-”

“No, Con, you don't understand.” Connor opened his mouth, but then Evan added something that made his brain screech to a halt. “I wasn't thinking of her. I was- I was thinking of Jared, and you, and- just... men.”

Connor blinked, and then blinked again, and then Evan was crying about how miserable his sex life was, even though it didn't sound half as bad as many others, because Evan would need Zoe to blow him or give him a hand job after she was done, and he'd have to close his eyes and imagine it was himself doing it, or someone else, but not his wife, never his wife.

He confessed that sometimes he'd imagine it was Connor and not Zoe, because in all honestly they were so similar-looking, but it wasn't right because Zoe's voice and Connor's voice wasn't the same, and Connor knew that, but it made him feel sick to his stomach for Evan to say it like that.

Somehow, by the time Evan was done pitying himself, he was sitting on Connors lap, kissing him senseless, and Jared had been very confused when he woke up because no one had turned off the kettle, but he didn't complain because soon he was being pulled into a kiss as well.

That scenario was something that repeated more than a handful of times the following two years; Evan visiting them with any excuse he could come up with, eventually he stopped bothering with excuses and straight up dropped to his knees as soon as the door was closed.

After a particularly exhausting visit where Jared could have sworn he just about dislocated his hip, and Connor was still struggling to breathe half an hour afterwards, they were all lying in bed, a tangled mess of limbs and sweat. Connor was spooning Jared, and Evan was wrapped around Jared's chest. Connor was sure his poor boyfriend was overheating there.

Evan was drifting in and off of sleep, he was beyond tired, because he had gone three rounds with Jared, and then two with Connor, and then  _ they _ went a few rounds themselves, but Evan knew it would be a waste of time to count because damn those guys had some wicked stamina, it was downright terrifying sometimes, and honestly if it wasn't because of them giving him orgasm after orgasm without so much as complaining, his sexual frustration would have killed him ages ago. They were the single reason he could go so many weeks with failed, pitiful attempts at getting this kind of intimacy with his wife, and although she never seemed to have any troubles before, during or after sex, he was a completely different story.

Connor had his face buried in Jared's hair, and he was tapping out as well when he heard it.

“I love you.” Evan muttered, probably already asleep at this point.

He wasn't sure which one of them was supposed to be the recipient of those words, but he felt Jared tense under him so he knew he wasn't imagining it.

Neither of them could go to sleep that evening, or that night. Connor had trouble sleeping a few days after that.

And now, after Evan had finally had the balls to admit that he had never, ever wanted any of this to happen, because he never even wanted to be with Zoe in the first place, because it had been  _ them  _ the whole time, Connor still didn't feel right.

They were having a snack before bed, he could hear the shower running as him and Jared talked about petty things that felt incredibly necessary to discuss as they pointedly avoided the one topic both of them wanted to discuss: Evan.

All of a sudden a raspy voice interrupted them.

“I never even wanted to be with her.” Evan admitted, standing in the door frame with damp hair. Connor wondered if he had left the water running. He realized it was the ringing in his ears. “I never wanted to marry her, I never wanted to  _ date her. _ Not when you two were always there.”

Connor sighed, realizing that the knot in his stomach wasn't going to let him eat anymore crackers, so he put them down and looked over at him. He felt Jared's hand on his own. He was so thankful for his boyfriend.

Neither said anything, Evan looked like he was going to have a breakdown.

“If I had said something, would you have loved me?” Connor looked away, Jared watched as tears started spilling from his eyes again.

“Dude,” Jared tried, a concerned smile on his face. “What do you think?”

Evan opened his mouth, but Connor's harsh voice interrupted him. “You cheated on my sister, you broke her heart, and all of that time I knew, and even then I let you sleep on my couch, eat my food, have a room to stay in. What the  _ fuck  _ do you think?”

Evan didn't like the way Connor separated himself from the issue, but he supposed he was right. He looked down, let out a heavy sigh.

No one knew how it happened, but all of a sudden the three of them were on the couch, Evan seated between Connor's legs, Jared between his. Evan's shirt was discarded into the floor, they somehow managed to move into the bedroom. Connor remembered how awful Evan had been that last night in Las Vegas, and while he still didn't compare to Jared in the slightest, he had a better grasp on how to make him scream after three years of sporadic visits to their bedroom, particularly by teaming up with Jared, which was unfair, but not something he was going to make a fuss over.

Connor hated Evan's stubble.

At three in the morning they were able to lay down, a mess of tangled limbs and panting lungs. He was pressed into Jared's side, breathing the familiar scent that now was mixed in with another, regrettably, just as familiar scent that, in his mind, only meant troubles. He felt Evan's body pressed on his back, he heard a small kissing sound, and then he felt lips on his shoulder, scratchy skin rubbing against him. He felt his skin crawl at the contact, so he pressed closer to Jared, his safe space, the love of his life. Jared would never hurt him.

For some reason now that Evan had left Zoe, had the balls to admit to himself that he was about as straight as a rainbow, and now that he had admitted that he loved them instead, Connor felt worse about the whole situation than when he knew Evan was married and should not, under any circumstances, without the knowledge of his wife, be having sex with them. And it bothered him that Jared acted so nonchalant about it.

Jared noticed that Connor sometimes would be cold and distant, have that angry contemplative expression on his face when they had breakfast or lounged on the couch. He also noticed that he never let Evan touch him if Jared wasn't already touching Evan. He would never cuddle with him on the couch, he would never kiss him good morning or good bye until after Jared had, and most of the time, he would avoid even looking at him at all. He wondered if Evan had noticed that too.

Evan spent a lot of time outside the house since he was having a lot of courthouse calls to settle his divorce without giving away the whole 'cheating on his wife with her brother and her brother's boyfriend' ordeal, so he had plenty of time alone with Connor.

He noticed that Connor didn't want to have sex with him.

They were having breakfast without Evan, Connor was painfully silent and secluded in his own mind, as it had become custom now. Jared didn't like this new custom of his boyfriend going back to his high school habits, he knew that something was bothering him enough to not want to discuss it, but he didn't know what exactly was bothering him, and without knowing, he couldn't help him, and that kept nagging at him in the back of his mind. Furthermore, the more time that went by between Connor starting to close off and now, the more Connor seemed to avoid him as well, like he was angry at him.

Jared sighed heavily and put his spoon down. He decided they needed to talk now before something bad happened to their own relationship.

“Con,” He started, shifting uncomfortably when he didn't give any signals of having heard him. “Are you angry at me?”

Connor breathed hard through his nose, his jaw setting tightly. “Yes,” He glowered. “I am.”

Jared frowned. “And why would that be?” He tried to guard off his own defensiveness and apprehension. They needed to talk this through.

“ _ Why  _ do you keep helping Evan? Why do you spend so much time with him?” Connor accused, cold eyes baring holes into his skull.

Jared was visibly confused. What was the big deal all of a sudden? If they were supposed to stop, then Connor never gave him the memo. “Well,” He tried to find what Connor was trying to tell him in reality, but was finding it hard with how... vague he was. “He  _ is  _ my best friend, and he loves us, and I love him, I thought  _ you  _ loved him as well. And he's hot.”

Connor wasn't satisfied with his answer, his frown deepening. “He hurt my sister.”

Jared mirrored his expression, being more confused than upset himself. “So did we.”

“He cheated on her! He lied to her for ten fucking years! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Who did he cheat her with, Connor?!” Jared stood up, hands flat on the table as he leaned over. “He cheated with us! Are  _ you  _ kidding me? We're just as fucking guilty as he is! Don't pretend you're all high and mighty when  _ you  _ were pulling on his hair when he fucked you! Connor, do you really not remember that?! You were in on it too, it was not just him, it was not just me, why are you acting like you're above this mess? I  _ thought  _ you liked him, which is why he's staying here, I don't get why you're angry at me when, if this was bothering you, you could've just  _ told me, _ why are you expecting me to know what's wrong with you if you don't  _ talk _ to me? Goddammit Connor, I can't read your mind!” As soon as those words left him, he knew he'd made a mistake, but it was far too late. “Con, I-”

“There's  _ nothing _ wrong with me, Jared.” Connor scowled, the words stinging old wounds he thought would be closed by then.

“I know that! Look, I'm sorry I said that, but you know I really can't help you if you don't even tell me there's a problem!” He walked around the table, Connor's eyes following him like a cat, he knelt next to him and held his hand in his, gently kissing his knuckles as he looked up. “Please, just talk to me, we'll figure it out together, I promise.”

Connor's expression softened, he took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but then the door opened and Evan walked in with a heavy sigh.

He stopped in his tracks and looked at them before awkwardly clearing his throat. “Am I, uh interrupting something?”

Connor got up, retrieving his hand from Jared's before sighing and helping him up, placing a small kiss on his cheek and patting his chest a couple times. “Not now.” He said and, for the first time in a week, his voice was soft instead of tense and defensive. Jared was still worried, but at least he knew they'd talk about it later.

He nodded, sealing their lips together before letting Connor move away to look into his eyes. Those gorgeous eyes that had had him head over heel for twelve years now. “Alright.” He smiled.

Connor went to their room and closed the door, Jared looked towards it with a sigh and ran a hand through his hair as he gnawed on his lip. He hoped everything would be alright. He desperately wanted everything to be alright.

Evan looked at him and then his eyes moved in the direction of the master bedroom. “Were you-” He started with a gulp, his face had considerably paled since he saw Jared on his knees, holding Connor's hand and looking up at him. Were they leaving him aside again? He wasn't sure he could take that, but then again, he probably deserved it anyways.

Jared shook his head, and a weight lifted off of Evan's chest. “He's just upset, it's alright.” Jared moved over to the couch, Evan sat next to him.

“What happened?” His eyes were more curious than worried, Jared noticed, he probably didn't remember that Connor was quite an emotional and sensitive person, he probably only thought he was cold and closed off. He hoped that wasn't the case, because Evan had helped him through many breakdowns to just think of Connor in such a shallow way.

“Nothing, he'll be fine.” Jared looked away from him, his mind going back to his boyfriend as he sighed. He felt a hand on his thigh and he tensed.

“Well, if that's settled, then-” Evan leaned in, fully intending on bringing Jared into a kiss, but then a hand was on his chest in a way that stopped more than urged him in. Evan looked down at his hand, then up at Jared.

“N-not now.” Jared shook his head. Evan frowned, confused. What was going on?

“Why?”

“Just... Not now, Evan.” Jared looked away once again, scooting further away from the blonde.

“What happened? You said everything was alright.”

“Yeah, it's alright,” Jared drawled, giving him a pointed look. “I just don't feel like it.”

Evan blinked. “I was just going to kiss you.” He watched as his friend looked, once again, away from him.

“Still.”

“Are you angry with me? Did I do something? I've just been here for a week.” He chuckled, but he had a feeling that maybe he had, inadvertently, done something to upset the couple.

“No, Evan, I just don't want to kiss you right now.”

_ You, _ his mind repeated. “Do you want to kiss Connor?” A hum. Evan wondered if this is how Zoe felt when he rejected her advances, although of course, he was never this blunt. He turned away, crossing his arms over his chest. “Fine.”

Jared perked up, glanced at him, then laughed. “Man, don't throw a tantrum over a kiss!”

“I'm not throwing a tantrum.” He puffed his cheeks, then huffed harshly. “But I am hurt.”

Jared snorted. “Because I'd rather kiss my hot ass, loving boyfriend at this point in time?” The fact that he admitted to it only stung even more. “Dude, that doesn't mean I don't want to kiss you like, every other time.” Jared rolled his eyes, a mocking smile on his face. Jared looked at him, fixing his glasses over his nose and huffed. Great, now he had to ease  _ two  _ boyfriends’ mutual jealousy. His lips twitched with a smirk. He never knew he was this solicited. “Evan I'm serious, it's alright.”

“Then prove it.” Jared's smile faltered. “Kiss me if nothing's going on.”

Jared shook his head. “I can't.”

“Then-”

“I said no, Evan, stop trying to make me feel guilty.” Jared snapped.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaahhhh i'm so nervous about this chapter sdfhbjs please don't murder me, I have a cat to feed!
> 
> Did you see _all of this_ coming? The cheating? I mean, that's in the tags. The cheating before they even married? What are your thoughts on this? And what do you think about the boys actions? I swear people could make a psychology test based on who you think did the wrong thing/who you think is in the right.  
> Also, I have an extension of this chapter that's got the explicit events of the bachelor party, if you guys would like to read it please tell me in the comments so I can do a separate book for just the _nastee_ of this story. Love you all! See you on Monday!


	6. Chapter Five: Only us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared took a deep breath and walked in, he really didn't have it in him to deal with Evan's temper, he just wanted to kiss his wonderful boyfriend until he dissolved into desperate begging and then he wanted to hold him and play with his hair until they both fell asleep. He really, really didn't need his routine disturbed right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly a trigger warning (?) but a warning that there is talk about a (non dysphoric) trans character's body.

Jared watched as Connor snored softly, his cheek heavy on his shoulder. He was drooling, and he was sure their skin had stuck together and it was going to hurt when he turned around, but Jared couldn’t help the utter adoration in his eyes as he watched him sleep.

It had been a kind of difficult day. He found out that his boss was trying to get him to commit tax fraud to different degrees in different areas by hiding some of the expenses and exaggerating others, which was a definitive nope from him, and then the subway was ridiculously full and he couldn't take a seat because a woman was transporting  _ chickens _ in the goddamned car, which also made the section stink of chicken, and it made Jared nauseated, because his brain sometimes took sensations and blew them out of proportion just to mess with him, and they were usually negative ones, and then he came home and Evan was already there, so he couldn't have  _ that _ conversation with Connor, which also meant that he got no sex to release all of his pent up frustration, and it had been almost a week and he was honestly so pent up that Connor just kissing him made him grow boneless in seconds.

When he arrived, it was with a grunt, Evan was in the living room, sitting on the couch and looking at his phone. The TV was off, sometimes he wondered why they even had that stupid propaganda box when no one even watched SpongeBob anymore.

“Where's Connor?” He asked, once his satchel was down and he had kicked off his shoes.

Evan didn't even look up from his device. “Yeah, welcome.” He said sarcastically.

Jared took a deep breath and walked in, he really didn't have it in him to deal with Evan's temper, he just wanted to kiss his wonderful boyfriend until he dissolved into desperate begging and then he wanted to hold him and play with his hair until they both fell asleep. He really,  _ really _ didn't need his routine disturbed right now.

He knocked on the bedroom door, and then knocked again. “Babe?” He heard the bed crack suddenly, and he knew Connor recognized his voice and sat up or shifted or something.

“Come in.”

“Are you naked?” Jared asked, reaching for the knob. He heard a chuckle.

“Do you care?”

Jared walked in, and was greeted with the sight of his boyfriend wearing one of his old T-shirts and his boxers too, his hair was down and spilled over his shoulders beautifully. Jared smiled, he hadn't seen him dress so relaxed since college, he always made it a point to get dressed in proper clothes, since he was working from home and didn't have many chances to go out when they weren't on a date.

“I kinda do, actually.” He grinned, moving to sit next to him.

Connor leaned in to kiss him, and Jared felt the tension in his back miraculously disappear. “Well that's nice of you.” Connor smirked, and Jared smirked right back, pulling him into his lap and kissing down his neck.

“I mean, I was kinda hoping you were naked, honestly.” He heard Connor hum and felt his fingers carding his hair. He bit down on his shoulder, because Connor knew he hated having his hair played with when he had it gelled up. He was satisfied to hear a yelp.

“Sucks to be you, then.” Connor mumbled.

Jared smiled at him, looking up to kiss his jaw. “Nothin' that can't be fixed, love.”

Connor laughed breathlessly and shook his head, pressing his finger on the tip of Jared's nose for half a second. “I don't think so, love.”

Jared kissed his lips, and moved his hands to rest down on his thighs, rubbing small circles with his thumb. “Please?” He batted his eyelashes and bucked his hips up, watching Connor choke in a breath and bite his lip. “I miss you, baby.” He leaned to leave a trail of kisses along his jaw, down his throat and along his shoulder, feeling his boyfriend lean his head out of the way and smiling.

He kissed him again, brushing his tongue along his bottom lip and then pressing it on his, feeling a small whine vibrate right from Connor's throat and into his as he felt him grind back down into his hips, causing a shudder to shoot up his spine when Connor's hand pulled him closer, his glasses digging uncomfortably on their cheeks, but not painful enough to ruin the moment. So he was just as eager, huh? Interesting how he had held back this long, then.

They pulled away, and Jared tried to focus on his pretty face, he blinked a few times and heard Connor snicker as the fog on his glasses slowly faded.

He looked at Connor's red cheeks, his kiss-swollen lips so red it looked like he was wearing the world's most enticing lipstick, and he couldn't help but lick his own lips. He looked up into Connor's half lidded eyes, darkened with something he knew too well by then.

Jared pushed him down on the bed and heard him laugh, which made his stomach flutter just as much as his did at the sudden motion. He leaned on top of him, holding Connor's left leg against his hip as he rutted down on him.

“God, you're so pretty Con.” He growled, leaning down as more red started creeping up his cheeks. “Why are you making me suffer like this babe?”

Connor whimpered and closed his eyes for a second, hips moving on their own accord, in sync with Jared's warm motions. He could feel himself getting wet in anticipation, which caused him to shudder, because Jared would totally be able to tell once he looked down at his underwear. He felt a warm hand slide down his shirt and fingertips grazing the cold metal of his piercing. He gasped.

“Jared, no.” He pleaded, untangling his fingers from his hair so he could push him away a little. “Please, I can't, not with him here.”

Jared looked at Connor's panicked expression and his forehead furrowed in concern. “Yes, you can.” He said, though it sounded much more like a question than he intended it to.

He watched Connor shake his head, and felt his fingers tighten on his shirt. “No,  _ please _ Jared, I can't.”

Jared moved back, letting Connor sit up properly and pull his knees against his chest. Okay, Jared was  _ very _ concerned now.

“What's the matter, baby?” He slowly moved his hand over to his, making sure Connor could see it before he held it softly. “Did something happen?” Connor shook his head, but his hand tightened around his. “Did he say anything to you? Did he... did he do anything?” His voice lowered, darkened.

Connor held his knees closer and sniffled, clearly hesitating as he looked away into a corner of the room. “He's too pushy, I get that he's excited to finally have accepted himself but... I already told him no, why- why does he think just because we did it before I'm just at his disposal.” He frowned, and Jared found himself moving to hold him in his arms.

“Do you want to-”

“No.” Connor interrupted him, burying his face in his shoulder. “We can't just kick him out, I said it was fine if he stayed, and he has nowhere to go.” Jared ran his fingers on Connor's back and felt him significantly relax under his touch.

He looked away. It had been a long day, long stressful, tiring day and he wanted nothing more than for Connor to ride him into the sunset, but he loved his boyfriend, he loved him madly and he would never make him do anything he didn't want to, so it pissed him that Evan would have the nerve to try.

He settled for kissing him and holding him and just cuddling him until he fell asleep. Of course, Jared hated to sleep dressed, from years of sleeping butt naked after burning through all of his energy with his gorgeous boyfriend, so he had discarded everything but his boxers before Connor actually drifted off.

He stroked his cheek, his lips itching to kiss his forehead. He may be drooling and have his mouth hanging open, eyes twitching with whatever the fuck guys like Connor dreamed about, but Jared still found it stupidly endearing.

He remembers waking him up with his  _ beautiful _ and  _ delicate _ laughter the first few times they slept together, Connor didn't appreciate being laughed at when he couldn't even snark back, but eventually Jared grew fond of it, because honestly, who'd think that Connor could let himself be vulnerable in front of someone? He knew Connor was a die hard insomniac, so it took him by surprise when he just curled up on his side and went out like a light.

The next day Jared hurried home after work, another stressful day of numbers that didn't match or make any sense, and high suspicions that his boss was hiding shit again, and to top it off, it was raining buckets outside, and of course his umbrella had holes he didn't notice before.

He reached their apartment building and stopped before pushing the glass doors when he caught sight of his boyfriend sitting on the sidewalk, his arms wrapped around his stomach as he hunched over his knees. He was shaking, and he had all the reasons to because he was soaked to the bone, and he was wearing the same things he was wearing the day before, which weren't really weather appropriate for a downpour like that one. Jared frowned in confusion and walked over to him.

“Hey baby.”

Connor didn't look up. “Hi.”

Jared could feel rain hitting his back as he moved the umbrella to shield Connor, he was sure he was doing nothing for him since he was so close to the ground, but it felt wrong not to try. “What are you doing outside?”

“It's raining.” He mumbled. Jared nodded.

“I noticed.” Jared frowned when Connor stayed silent, something heavy weighing down his stomach. “Are you alright, love?”

Connor wasn't sure, he had been ignoring Evan all day and then they argued because Connor refused to kiss him and Evan told him he was making Jared refuse him as well, which made him angry because he had no fucking control over his boyfriend, but obviously Jared was worried for him and Evan was acting like that was a personal offense, so he went into his room but Evan kept bitching and bitching that if they didn't want him there they should just kick him into the streets because they  _ clearly _ didn't care for him, Connor was tuning him out, but it felt too familiar to ignore someone yelling at him and it made his stomach churn, because when it started pouring his mind replayed his mom's voice telling him he couldn't go out or he'd get wet, so he stormed out because no one could tell him what to do with his life now that he was an adult, so he sat outside for at least an hour, letting the cold chill him until his anger suffocated and left him numb instead.

And then Jared arrived.

He didn't magically feel alright, but he felt much less miserable now, so he chanced a look at him. “Your suit's getting wet.” He realized.

“And you're soaked.”

“You can't get it wet, go inside.”

Jared outstretched his hand. “Come with me?” He watched Connor sigh, but then his  _ freezing _ fingers took his hand and he got up.

He had to help him up the stairs because he was literally dripping, and he was barefoot, and he didn't want his boyfriend slipping and hitting his head, and then he took Connor to the bathroom. The guest room's door was closed, so he figured he could focus on his boyfriend for the time being. They took a shower, he even let the water run a few degrees hotter than he liked because Connor was a demon who liked to shower in boiling water, but Jared had actual human skin that would blister if he put it so hot, and if he had been out in the rain for long enough to make his fingers wrinkle, then he'd feel the water a little warmer than it was, anyways.

He brushed through Connor's locks and lathered his hair in shampoo, sat him down on the stool while he massaged his scalp. Suddenly Connor's shoulders were shaking.

“Shit, are you crying baby?”

“I love you.” He sobbed and looked up at him. Jared noticed just how bloodshot his eyes were. “I don't want you to leave me, b-but I can't hold you back because- because if you'd be happier elsewhere then that's the best choice for you but I love you so much, Jared.”

Jared wasn't sure what to do, because he wanted to wipe his tears away but his hands were full of soap and that would sting. He settled for kissing his cheek and placing his hands on his shoulders. “Why would I ever leave you?”

Connor looked down. He knew he wouldn't, and he felt guilty he had even mentioned it, because Jared spent the first three years of their relationship assuring him that he wouldn't leave him, and he kept that promise for over twelve years now, and he hadn't put out any signs that could potentially suggest he was even considering it, but Connor's brain was a bitch like that, because he spent most of his life with an untreated personality disorder that very nearly killed him at seventeen, and to his brain Evan was a much better option for Jared than his whiny ass would ever be, and he had an actual dick attached to his body at all times.

Jared smiled and gently lifted his chin so they could make eye contact. “I love you, Connor Murphy.”

Connor breathed out and leaned up to kiss him. “I love you, Jared Kleinman.” He smiled. “I'm sorry I'm such a drama queen.”

Jared chuckled and shook his head, making Connor flinch when water droplets splashed his face. “I knew what I was getting into, baby.”

He remembers when they started dating back in high school. It was a weird thing, one minute he hated Connor Murphy with a passion, he couldn't stand how easily he retorted his smart ass mouth, how easily he weaponized his words against him, he was supposed to be the one to do that! He had been the one doing that for 14 years at that point, since he learned to speak at 3 years old he never stopped making inappropriate jokes about anything everyone said, and suddenly Connor had a hand around his pride and it felt like he was being choked. Plus Connor was an angry person, the smallest things would make him go off with a boom. He could be making fun of Jared and be fine taking his words and turning them back to him, frustrating Jared to no end, and then the next thing Jared said would have him kicking the wall, throwing things off the table and screaming. Jared had never met someone quite as imbalanced as him.

And then the worst part was that he was always so pretty. Jared never thought he had a thing for bad boys, he always laughed and rolled his eyes when he heard girls squealing about TV bad boy of the week, and yet here he was.

One day they were arguing, they had been going on and on about the same thing since they got to school, it was right before they got out of detention (because they kept disturbing the class with their argument) and they still couldn't let it go. It was so in-transcendental, Jared still remembers it.

“Oh my fucking- Can't you just drop it?” Jared whined, letting his face fall into his arms and ignoring how uncomfortable his glasses felt pressed so closely to his eyelashes.

“Huh, drop it now? After you  _ insisted _ we kept going? What happened, Kleinman? You ran out of stupid arguments?” Connor raised an eyebrow, he expected him to have a winning smile on his face but of course that wasn't the case, he was deadpan and inexpressive, which annoyed Jared for some reason.

“Let it go! It doesn't even matter, it's a fucking cartoon.”

“I thought you said it was the most important work of fiction of our generation.”

Jared groaned, here he was again, taking his words and pointing them at his throat. “I thought you hated it when your dad took your words against you.” Jared thought, and then he straightened up, ready to ask him to drop it once again, but Connor was glowering. Wait, did he think aloud again? He waited for Connor to go off, but when that didn't happen, Jared blinked. “You're not gonna break my neck?” He asked, incredulous. “You heard what I said? I didn't even mean it, are you really going to let me get out of it alive?”

Connor huffed and Jared flinched when he raised his hands to run them through his hair. He never had actually punched him, but he  _ had _ flung random items at him. Plus, there was a first for everything, right? “Jesus Christ, you're such an asshole.” He muttered, looking away from him and trying to pull himself together by the hair. “I don't even know why I put up with you, let alone why I even like you.”

Their eyes widened.  _ What? _ Connor's head snapped towards him and Jared wondered if he wasn't actually a Gorgon, because he felt like he was completely frozen, and also because no matter how much he tried to get his hair under control, it always sprung around wildly, like it had life of its own. Maybe it was because he was just letting it grow after his rage shave of last year and it was growing unevenly. Wait, did Connor talk to him?

“H-huh?”

“I asked if you were listening to me.” Connor rolled his eyes.

“I-I wasn't.” He said, like he hadn't already answered with his confused expression.

“Yeah, already noticed.”

“So what were you saying?” Jared bit his lip, reaching into his pocket to run his fingers through a smooth pebble he found when he was around five.

Connor groaned and hunched over, letting his hair hide his face like a curtain, retreating into his hoodie like a turtle. “I said forget I said that, or I'm gonna punch you on the throat.” He mumbled, putting on his hood and pulling the strings until his face was almost completely covered by it, which was absolutely hilarious, but Jared couldn't bring himself to laugh, for some reason.

Instead he blinked. “What if I don't want to?”

Connor loosened the hood and looked at him like he was stupid. “Then I'm punching your throat.”

Jared hummed. “That's hot.” He grinned, wiggled his eyebrows.

“Sure, whatever you say.” Connor turned away.

“Didn't think you were into morons.”

Connor turned around slowly, eyebrows raised in amusement. “Yeah, me neither, can you drop it?”

“Mm like you dropped it with the cartoon? I mean, I didn't know I was into troubled teenage rebels either but here we are, aren't we.”

He watched as Connor's already red face became even redder. “Stop fucking with me, I swear I'm gonna turn your nose upside down with how hard I'm gonna punch it.”

Jared grinned. “I bet you'd love it for me to fuck you.” Connor's expression was the funniest thing ever, and he actually laughed when he hid his head under his arms.

“Stooop!”

Huh, Connor never gave in under Jared's teasing, that was Evan. He must be really embarrassed then. Nice, this was more Jared's speed. “What, Murphy? Does my glorious presence really strip your brain of all your sass?”

“Do you ever shut your fucking mouth?” Connor snapped, glaring at his table before pushing an eraser off the edge, smiling with satisfaction as it plopped on the floor.

Jared laughed. “God, you're a fucking cat.”

Connor glared at him. “You're calling me a pussy now?”

“Perhaps.” Jared grinned.

Connor rolled his eyes and reached down for the eraser, almost bring the table down with him. He straightened up with wide eyes, panting as he steadied the table and chair. He heard Jared's annoying laugh and felt the other kids look back at them. Mostly losers who got in for not bringing their homework or eating in class, you could see the fear of getting out of line in their faces. Connor had been slightly disappointed when none of the  _ fun _ detention kids were in that day, but at least there was Jared so it was something to keep him from falling asleep.

“So uh,...” Jared's voice lowered so the other two or three students couldn't hear him, they were sitting at the back, and the rest were at the front, because Connor had a special aura and a spew of rumors surrounding him, and that resulted in a personal bubble of ten feet by ten feet. It worked most of the time, unless it was Jared and Evan. “Did you mean that?”

Connor looked at him, but said nothing.

“Cause I think you're cute.”

Of course, Connor didn't believe him at first, and Jared spent the rest of that Thursday evening convincing him that he wasn't trying to mess with him just to make fun of him next day, because if he did, then Connor would have just as much blackmail material for him, seeing as he was just as gay.

Since Evan was at therapy, he didn't find out about them for a while, because they agreed to keep it on the down low to avoid receiving unfair consequences at school, and also because if Connor's parents found out he was dating someone they were going to lose their shit.

After their shower, Jared helped him dry his hair, and actually put on some pajamas, they could deal with the damp clothes on the weekend, right now his boyfriend needed him, and he was more than happy to be there for him.

He ran a finger down his spine once he was done brushing his hair and watched him shiver. “You're so gorgeous, baby.”

Connor chuckled and turned around. “I'm alright... You're not bad yourself.”

He had insisted on putting on his sateen pajama shirt instead of one of the much more comfortable worn out shirts he had offered to let him wear, but Jared watched with interest as he started undoing the buttons while keeping eye contact with him. “But I guess I can let you have a taste of the merchandise, best in the house.”

Jared didn't need to be told twice, so once the shirt was opened completely, he lunged forward like a hungry wolf, loving the way Connor laughed as his hands reached to hold his head closer to his.

He remembers finding out about Connor's status a few months after they started dating. Heidi got home early and Evan wanted to spend time with his mom, it was the perfect excuse for him and Connor to hang out at his place. Luckily his parents were just as absent as Evan's, and his house was just across the street from Evan's.

They were sitting on his bed, Connor on his lap as they kissed, and Jared decided to go for it, he slipped a hand under Connor's jacket and shirt, and he was amused his skin was so cold, because his denim jacket looked heavy, and everything he wore was off-black colors, and on top of that he was wearing an open zipper hoodie under the jacket, and it was the middle of April. He felt Connor shudder, and he knew his hands were too warm for him to be shocked, still, he knew it was because of him he reacted like that, and that made him feel proud, so he slid his hand further up and his fingertips bumped something.

Connor jolted away, yanking Jared's hand out his shirt with his face burning. Jared was starstruck, and he knew that the last thing Connor needed at that moment was for him to just stare like an idiot without even blinking because he was getting off his lap and Jared didn't want that to happen so he reached for his hand.

“Wait, wait!” He finally managed. “What happened?”

Connor crossed his arms over his chest and avoided his eyes, Jared was confused, did he do anything wrong? Too far?

“Con?” He noticed that Connor was starting to shut down, because he was gulping a lot and his eyebrows looked angry, and that wasn't really productive right now.

“I'm, I... I'm trans, okay? I have tits!” Connor snapped, lifting all of the layers of fabric up. Jared's breath caught in his throat, because Connor also had his nipples pierced and it made his mouth water. And then Connor let his shirt fall down and crossed his arms again. “I don't have a dick so I'm not like, what you were expecting I get it.”

Jared looked down at his crotch, and cocked his head in clear confusion, because he could see a bump in Connor's skinny jeans and he had been grinding up on it for a good while now. Connor sighed and dipped his hand under his pants. “It's a sock.” He muttered, pulling it out and tossing it on the bed. Jared watched it bounce and unravel, he snorted. “So I get it you're grossed out because you're like, gay, so obviously you wanted a dick and not... That.” He gestured towards the sock and was about to get off his lap again, but Jared pulled him back down by the hips.

“I mean, you already are the biggest dick I've ever seen.” He teased, and watched Connor roll his eyes with a smirk.

“God nerfed me, then.” Jared laughed and leaned up to kiss him again, but Connor moved back a little. “You're just like, chill with it?” He asked. The look of incredulity in his eyes made Jared's heart hurt, but he couldn't just be soft and cheesy, so he kissed his jaw.

“Yup. I think your piercings are hot.” He mumbled, moving his hand to thumb them over Connor's shirt, he shuddered.

“Thanks, I got them cause there's no way for my parents to find out.” He laughed, and Jared couldn't help but laugh too.

“That's smart.” He conceded.

It took them a while before they could get further than that, and the first time was pretty lame, because Jared was a dumb eighteen year-old who didn't know how to hold back but it was fine because Connor was also a dumb eighteen year-old who had no idea what he was doing, and since that set the bar so low, it meant that things only got better from there.

Jared sighed, watching as Connor turned away from him and curled up. He wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him against his chest. He loved the way his skin felt against his, instead of being covered by a stupid gag t-shirt. He wondered if this was the reason why parents had skin to skin time with their new born babies. His hand reached over to rest on Connor's sternum, holding him even closer to him. He knew neither of them had even tried to be quiet, and he wondered if the neighbors had missed their screaming and cursing, because he sure had.

Jared buried his face in Connor's hair, placed small kisses down the nape of his neck. He loved Connor with his whole heart, he loved him more than he would ever love anyone in his life, he knew he loved him more than he loved Evan, because Connor had always been  _ there _ for him, with him no matter what. When he picked his stupidly complicated college career and Connor complained they wouldn't have any free time to fuck now that he would have his nose in a calculator instead of between his legs, he still stayed up late with him, and still helped him study for his exams despite knowing shit about math.

Evan had been his crush for most of his life, but because of that he knew that Evan was a liar, and he always said exactly what he needed to say in order to get what he wanted, which is how he kept getting into their bedroom despite being married, and why he kept crying about how much he hated pretending to be straight but wouldn't even try to leave Zoe. Jared wasn't sure what kind of twisted game he was playing, but he had been too busy kissing him to think about it.

Now as he lay in bed, Connor in his arms, he realized that he could easily be happy with only him and no one else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to upload oops.  
> Anyways thank you for all your comments! They really make my day haha, it's fun to see what you guys are thinking so far. I keep taking turns and twists like a lost taxi driver and It's really fun to see the reactions.  
> I really like this chapter, Connor and Jared are just,, I love them ok?  
> Anyway, bye!


	7. Chapter Six: Siblings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It didn't take a Ph.D to put it all together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: Alcohol use, self deprecation, sexual coercion.

It should not be hard to see why Zoe had spent the past two weeks curled up in bed and crying, her husband had left her, and left her with the worst possible excuse one could come up with.

And for what? To go roll in the hay with her fucking idiot brother and his even more idiotic boyfriend?

Evan hadn't told her, of course he hadn't, he was a coward, but Zoe wasn't as stupid as he believed her to be. Sure, he had tricked her into not even suspecting about his sexuality for over a decade, but once that was out in the open it was incredibly easy to piece together, so easy, in fact, that it had the woman screaming in frustration at just how blind she had been to her husband's philandry, and it all started and ended with his frequent visits to the couple.

His excuses were always weak, nonchalant and every time they had her raising an eyebrow at him. Why would he visit them every other week without her? Well, they went bowling on Thursdays, because apparently Jared was a bowling aficionado, although he'd insist he was the best in the whole city. That much was true, he had taken Connor to bowling dates since high school, to which her brother always rolled his eyes at, because bowling is anything but romantic.

But then what about all of his other visits? Weekends and Friday nights he had 'promised to see them' with no further explanation? Why would Connor and Jared never want to visit them? Why after it took so much effort for the siblings to rebuild a more or less decent relationship?

It didn't take a Ph.D to put it all together.

Even then, she called Connor pretty much every day, when she had enough brain power to yell instead of just incoherently sob into her pillow, and he always listened to her, and he always promised that he would stop by as soon as he had the chance, because work was crazy and he had to fix the sink and the car needed new brakes.

She knew it was bullshit.

Logically speaking, she knew she couldn't stay holed up in their... her house forever, nor for very much longer. Psychologically speaking, she knew this wasn't the best way to handle the situation, she had literally double majored in psychology and pedagogy, for heaven's sake! So she knew that the best thing to do was to drag herself out, go for a walk, interact with people, disturb her routine as little as humanly possible so she could get out of this rough patch relatively unscathed, but she had already gotten two weeks off work and...

Rough patch?

Ha!

Her husband just left her to pursue something she would never have been able to provide, even if she had known beforehand. It made her skin crawl to think about it.

She felt guilty.

She remembered of all the times Evan told her he didn't feel like having sex but she pushed. She thought of all the times he didn't want any help afterwards, how he'd move away and cower, how he'd be ashamed, how she'd insist in helping, she remembers his pained expression, face crimson red and eyes screwed shut, how he'd set his jaw, how sometimes there would be tears pricking his eyes.

“Please, Zoe, stop.” He'd beg, and she'd look up at him, pull away with a pop and lick her lips, hand still wrapped around him.

“Aw come on!” She'd grin. “I'm not that bad, am I?” With a snicker, she'd add. “I'd be offended if _you_ think I'm bad, you were a virgin before me.”

Evan would shake his head, eyes still shut. “It's n-not that, j-just _please_ Zoe.”

She'd sit up, take his face on her hands, appreciating the way his beard felt on her fingers, and watch him slowly open his eyes, still looking like she was telling him to cut off his arm for her. “It's okay, pumpkin, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I-I know.” He'd avoid her eyes.

But _now_ Zoe knew, she knew he had _everything_ to be ashamed of, the idea of him _not_ being ashamed of it was revolting, and she hoped he was losing sleep over it, because the only reason she didn't lose sleep herself was because she was spending all of her energy crying and being angry.

It took three days of her sulking in their old room before life decided to remind her she wasn't frozen in time.

The sound of her doorbell startled her, she hesitated, the mirror in the living room told her she looked disgusting and should not, under any circumstances be seen like that. Looking through the peephole, though, she recognized her brother, so she opened.

“Hey.” She mumbled, looking at his shoes.

“You weren't answering my calls or my messages.” He explained awkwardly.

She blinked a few times. When was the last time she charged her phone? When was the last time she looked at it at all? “Sorry.”

Connor stood there for a few more seconds, feeling his heart shatter as his sister kept avoiding his eyes. “Can I come in?” Zoe nodded and stepped aside, Connor moved and sat down on the couch. The house was a disaster, it was dark and everything was out of place, some of Evan's clothes were laying on the floor along with other nondescript objects, he was assaulted with the clogging smell of grime and enclosed dark places and it was making his head hurt. He was no one to say anything about it, though, so he just focused back on her. “How are you feeling?”

Zoe sat on the couch across his, looking down at her lap. She laughed bitterly, giving him a sarcastic look. She didn't know if she wanted to crumble into his chest and cry, or if she'd rather scream and throw everything she hadn't already thrown at Evan in his direction.

Either way, Connor felt a weight lift off his shoulders when her eyes acknowledged him, even if it was to make fun of his stupidity. “How do I look like I feel?”

Connor looked at her tangled hair, impossibly dark eye bags, hollowed cheeks and wrinkled clothes, then sighed, running a hand though his untamed mane. “Like shit.” He heard her chuckle.

“I'm glad you're still yourself.” She mumbled, then looked back at her lap. The words tasted like biting a lemon peel. “Where's Jared?”

Connor sighed. “Work.”

There was a silence.

“How's... How's he doing? Jared, I mean.”

“He's alright, the company he works for is having an economy slump, so between budgeting and re-budgeting, and deciding where to make cuts and trying to save as many jobs whilst keeping investors happy, he's... Stressed. But he promised we'll go to that new ice cream parlor they opened downtown, it kinda has a vibe that reminds me of A la Mode, but I'm sure it can't even compare. Still, I've been meaning to check it out, just in case their stuff is halfway decent, you know, unlike the crap they sell everywhere else and call gelato.” He scoffed, crossing his arms and looking at one of the shirts that laid on the floor. Both of their stomachs took a twist.

“I also made an appointment with my therapist,” He sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking away from her. She hummed, signaling for him to continue. “I haven't seen him since august, he told me to give him a call if I felt like I was slipping again.” His voice started decrescendo midway through the sentence, and by the point he finished, Zoe wondered if he had actually finished or was completing his idea in his head.

Her stomach churned. “Oh.”

“Yeah, so um, if you want to go see him as well, I'm going on Monday, I'm sure you can find a spot before or after me.” He glanced at her, some kind of emotion Zoe couldn't quite pinpoint scurrying behind his mismatched irises.

Was it guilt? Was it concern? Was it fear? Vulnerability? She didn't know, and she wasn't sure which one she'd rather for it to be, either.

She looked away from her brother and into her lap, wondering if her jeans were starting to stink from wearing them every single day so far. She thought about what Connor offered again, and again, and her agitation dissolved into a fully fledged, almost delirious laughter.

Connor tensed, his expression changing to a more recognizable concern and confusion. He gripped the seat until his knuckles turned white and cautiously eyed his sister until she shook her head, the laugh dying into giggles.

“So you think the psychologist needs a therapist? You always did say that that title was going to drive me nuts.” She sighed, twirling a strand of golden brown hair between her index and thumb. “I don't even deal with people's problems, though, only bratty children.”

“All the more reason to lose it, isn't it?” Connor chided, folding his hands in his lap.

Zoe smirked, but didn't say anything.

“Did you eat already?”

Zoe was surprised, but she shook her head. The way Connor was carrying himself, slouched, with his hands in his pockets, eyes trained on the floor, like he didn't want to be there just as much as she didn't want him there, reminded her of high school, so she didn't expect him to be nice or caring towards her. It was a welcome surprise, though it did make the upset in her stomach to make itself present anew.

She watched him get up and open the blinds. Immediately, the ambiance in the house didn't feel quite so heavy anymore, even if both were still glaringly tense.

She noticed just how disgusting everything looked though, so she busied herself from the discomfort between them by cleaning whilst he cooked. She hadn't even noticed the plastic bag he had brought in, but it was full of groceries. Suddenly she felt very thankful for her brother.

Connor took his time cooking, he washed the dirty dishes and cleaned the table, as if he were stretching the interlude before their next interaction as much as he could. The curtains were bouncing with the light breeze from the open windows. The house felt decent again. It was a decent house.

A house.

But not her home.

When they sat down to eat, they mindlessly talked about high school, about their childhood, about the time when they were absolutely, once hundred percent convinced that their parents were going to split, and the time after that where they desperately wished that had been the case, for their parents sake as well as their own. Zoe knew that Connor had been left with a bundle of issues and conflicted feelings surrounding marriage after this, and she wished desperately that she hadn't brushed him off as pessimistic prattling and actually stopped to consider what she was getting into before taking that step herself.

They talked about Connor's coming out and how Larry had taken it, about how he went out and cut all of his hair off and how angry Larry had been about it, and then they talked about how Connor grew his hair when Larry kept pushing for him to be perfectly manly, because Connor was a contrarian. Zoe wished he hadn't talked about coming out right that moment, and conspicuously dropped her glass to diffuse the situation.

After awkwardly cleaning the glass, they talked about their mom and how conflicted they felt about her passivity in it all, how she always made Larry be the one screaming and grounding them so she could be the good one, about how, sometimes, she was the one screaming too. Connor doesn't mention all the times Zoe lied, or all the times she went tattling on him to their parents, exaggerating everything so he'd get punished, how she'd keep adding wood to the fire when Larry was already teetering over the edge before exploding. She doesn't mention the times he screamed at her because of it.

They talked about their toys and family trips to the apple orchard, about how they'd roll down the hill and always end up crashing on each other, and how Cynthia would be so pissed about the grass stains on their nice, spoiled rich kid's clothes even though she bought them clothes every season to keep up with the other rich moms.

Suddenly Connor realized how much he had missed his sister, realized all over again that he'd kill for her, even if it was from far away, from the shadows of her successful, strong independent woman facade. He wanted her to be happy, because she deserved to be happy.

Suddenly Connor was absolutely, positively enraged at Evan Hansen, because when Connor had difficult emotions, a switch in his brain always decided that it would be easier if it were just anger. Suddenly Connor was filled to the brim with disgust for himself. He wished he could take the blunt of the emotional distress he had helped cause, because he could handle it, because emotional wounds were his specialty, because this occurrence had caused him to discover gaping, glowering wounds that he had completely forgotten about.

Then Connor helped her clean whatever was left to clean. He vacuumed, and then moped, and then helped her load the washing machine, all while they played the most energetic music they cringed at at some point in their lives, all in the name of airing some of the tension that kept making his neck pull every now and then. It was intense, and by the time they finished, Connor just wanted to go home and cuddle with Jared and sleep.

“My hair is so messy.” He laughed, sitting down on the couch with a huff. His throat was raw from screaming along to Avril Lavigne for much too long.

“Well, you were sweating.” Zoe sat next to him, feeling just as exhausted, but able to overlook the discomfort her brother's presence catalyzed.

“It's gonna be a hassle when I shower.” Connor insisted, running a hand through his hair to show her just how difficult it was.

Zoe bit her lip, and her eyes gleamed when her brain clicked. “Do you want me to brush it for you?”

Connor smiled tiredly. “Would you?”

She got up and made her way to her room, they had cleaned it too, or well, Connor did, because she would've broken down crying if she saw one of Evan's shirts, like the one that was conspicuously laying on her vanity's chair. She took a deep breath and grabbed her vanity's box, bringing back with her to the living room, where Connor was texting someone, probably Jared, she hoped.

She sat next to him, and immediately got to work, ignoring Connor's hissing and cursing as she battled his mane. “Dude, you have so much hair, I'm jealous.”

“It fucking sucks when it gets tangled though, but at least I won't get bald spots like Larry.”

Zoe snorted. “You don't know that yet.”

Connor smiled despite his growing fear of becoming bald, because Zoe hadn't played with his hair in so long, and it was one of the things he treasured so much from their childhood, because Zoe had always been a hair obsessed girl, even if she wasn't particularly fond of skirts, but loved dresses.

When they were in elementary, Connor would sit on her bed and let her make a mess of his hair when kids were mean to her and she needed to unwind.

In middle school, he would let her style his hair while she bitched about her friends, or about teachers that made classes impossible on purpose 'because high school and college are worse, and they must be ready', or about a test she was nervous about. In high school it became a rare occurrence, but sometimes after a particularly bad fight with his parents, after getting high as balls to kill his pride, he'd lay on her lap and let her braid his hair, or sit on the floor and let her dye streaks he'd hide through the rest of his hair.

And then in college, although their relationship started getting outstandingly better, they didn't really have time for that, but sometimes he'd make a space to just let her brush and braid his hair, because it was really relaxing, but he had Jared to do that now.

When she married it stopped completely, but he knew for a fact that she followed anything hair related on instagram, and that a self care day involved her giving herself an elaborate but tastefully disheveled hairstyle.

While she brushed his hair, they reminisced about that, about how 7 year old Zoe would always tangle his hair _horridly_ after she tried to braid it, and how 15 year old Zoe would get carried away bitching and would dye way too much of his hair, and make it functionally impossible to hide the color, which was a violation of the dress code, so Connor would just embrace it along with his growing 'problem child' reputation.

When his hair was soft, but ridiculously frizzed, he said good bye to her. It was close to seven, and he felt exhausted after spending time with her. He promised to check on her the next day, if only to put pressure on her to take care. They hugged, and he thought that maybe he could handle seeing her after all, maybe if he didn't push it as much as he did that day, just an hour or two, it would be manageable.

He did visit her the next day, and was relieved to see her smile at him as soon as she opened the door. Her eyes looked much less bloodshot than the prior day, and her hair was decorated with colorful barrettes holding her bangs back and out of her face.

He made food for both, and they talked about Jared and his job, and about how the apartment had leaks that kept coming back no matter how many times they fixed them, and how the landlady wasn't helping, and that maybe it was time to start looking for a different place to stay at, maybe actually buy a house, and how scary that was. There was still tension between them, but it didn't feel quite so crushing anymore.

They didn't talk about Evan at all.

Connor didn't visit on Sunday. Zoe was equal parts relieved and conflicted. She was still upset at him, and she still wanted to yell and kick his shins, slap his face and brush his hair a little too roughly, but she appreciated him making an effort to be there for her, something that couldn't be said about Evan, although, truth be told, a part of her still wanted to refuse the help.

She wondered if this is what Connor felt like in high school. So hopeless and like no matter what everyone else did, it wasn't worth the effort, like it wasn't genuine, like... A waste.

Now, strictly logically speaking, Zoe knew that she should probably talk to a professional about this, and it was her best bet if she wanted everything to go back to normal. Now, out of that logicality, the issue became more complicated, because although Zoe could yell about it to her brother through the phone, she doubted she'd be able to talk about it to a stranger, the words just wanted to hide and scurry away without her control.

Connor didn't visit on Monday, or Tuesday, not even on Wednesday.

He was too tired, and every time he thought about checking up on Zoe, his entire torso felt like it was constricted all of a sudden, like he was going to visit her and only wait for the other shoe to drop.

He felt the same way at his own house.

After going to the therapist, where he mostly just sat there awkwardly trying to explain why he felt so guilty without putting himself in some sort of home breaker watch list, he realized just how badly he was slipping. Before Evan started staying with them, he'd get dressed every day, style his hair in a tight bun that was a relief to let Jared pull free every evening, he'd shower and wear cologne, and find some reason to go outside for five minutes, even if it was just stopping by the 7/11 or going to the CVS for Jared's ADHD medication. After Evan he couldn't bring himself to do that, he could barely do his job, and even then, most of the time it took him twice as long and it was extremely half-assed. He didn't need the therapist to figure that out.

On Thursday he visited Zoe. It wasn't quite so taxing, he just made sure the house was clean and she was eating. They talked about taxes and how crappy it was that Jared was forced to fire people just because his boss never followed his budgets. Connor mentioned Jared was already looking for a new job, because the way things were going? This one wouldn't last very long.

as soon as the door opened he was greeted by Evan's frustrated screaming into the phone.

He frowned as he started taking off his jacket and shoes, and was planning on slipping into his room before anything stupid happened, hating how he had to do that in his own fucking house after dealing with that for the entirety of his teenage years, but then Evan turned his head towards him and made eye contact with him. His eyes looked so cold and stern that he very nearly froze in place. God fucking damn it, that look reminded him of Larry and he hated that so fucking much.

“Fine, good bye Zoe.” Evan hung up and rubbed his face with his left hand. “Come here, Con.”

Connor shifted his weight and instinctively shoved his hands in his pockets like a damn teenager. It felt weird, he had kicked all of his old habits once he started getting confident and actually getting help for his mental health, but he seemed to be slipping back into it and he wasn't happy with that.

“Where's Jared?” He asked, giving him a cautious glare.

“Not here.” Evan palmed his thigh, calling him like a damn dog. “C'mere.”

“Did something happen?”

“Zoe's refusing to let me pick up my things. The judge let her keep the house because she got a very good lawyer with you dad's money.” Evan said bitterly, getting up and walking over to him.

Connor frowned, but he said nothing.

“She said you can pick them up instead.”

Connor frowned even more. Hell no, he wasn't doing that. He huffed. “I'll tell Jared to do it.”

Evan glared at him just as Connor started walking into the living room, past him. “Why can't you do it? I thought you visited her every day, Jared has to work.” He put his hands on Connors waist and leaned in, Connor leaned back, away from him, which earned him a displeased glare from Evan.

“So do I, I actually have to finish some stuff right now before I miss a deadline.”

Evan hummed, running his tongue over his back teeth as he practically bore holes into Connor's face with his eyes. “And why can't you pick it up when you go visit her?”

Connor glared at him. “You don't want me to.”

“No, I fucking don't, I just want my things back but she won't let me get them, and now you won't get them so what is this? A fucking- Murphy sibling ploy to make my life impossible because I ruined yours or something?” Evan gestured with his hands as he pulled away and turned around.

Connor breathed out through his nose, he was so tired of this victim bullshit Evan had taken a taste for lately. “Can you fucking drop it? I don't even think your shit can fit here! Have you been looking for a place or are you just going to keep telling us to kick you out and hope we won't?”

“I wouldn't be surprised if you do, you can't even bare fucking looking at me, why are you letting me stay here? To rub your happy-go-lucky relationship on my face? I _thought_ you guys liked me, but I guess I was just one of your stupid sex toys wasn't I?”

“We let you stay because we're your fucking friends, Evan.” Connor felt his blood starting to boil at Evan's words. “Oh you thought so? Well, ditto! I thought you liked us but I guess we were just your sex punching bags for when you were blue balled after sleeping with my sister, I mean _why_ would you try to guilt us into having sex whenever _you_ feel like it otherwise?”

“You're not the only ones who get horny, you know?” Evan crossed his arms, and Connor wondered if he could crack a tooth with just how hard he was clenching his jaw to avoid snapping at him.

“You're not the only one _either!”_ Connor ran a hand through his hair and tried to get his breathing back under control. He was shaking, and so were his lungs. “We don't _owe_ you sex just because you just came out of the fucking closet you locked yourself in.”

Connor could see Evan was seething, and he really wished he had Jared here to back him up, because the way Evan was acting honestly scared him and although he was taller than him, Evan was noticeably much more solid and heavy. Connor looked around discreetely, he was probably faster though, and he was closer to the door, so he could always toss the coffee table to delay him and book it.

“Sure, whatever you say, Connor, you don't have to have sex with me, actually, you don't even have to look at me. Don't pick up my stuff, I'll see who Zoe will allow to do it instead, just keep ignoring me like you do best.” Connor felt his stomach tighten and he felt like throwing up, why did he have to talk like Larry? He knew they got along well whenever Zoe would take him home to have dinner, but this was downright making him sweat cold. “But I would appreciate it if you could stop putting pressure on Jared to do what you want him to do. I think he can make decisions for himself like an adult.”

“A-are you kidding me?! I'm not telling Jared what to do! He can fuck your stupid ass all night long for all I care,” Connor couldn't take it, fuck his safe distance from the door, he stormed past him and into the room, locking the door behind and leaning into it as he forced himself to breathe slower. He wasn't telling Jared what to do, was he? Sure, he asked him why he was acting all close to Evan the first two days, and he had asked him to not have sex while Evan was there, but he never told him to not have sex _with_ Evan, did he? Even if he did want to, because he was still very much conflicted about all of this, but he would never tell Jared what he can or can not do.

After sitting in their room for a while, Connor decided that he needed some fucking whiskey, so he carefully made his way to the kitchen and opened one of the cabinets. He pulled out their bottle of anniversary Chivas Regal, 12 years old just like their relationship. He smirked as he poured himself a bigger glass than he probably should have. He took a sip and then filled the missing liquid with more liquor. Whatever, if he was acting like he did back in high school he may as well cope like it, right? Just a drink and then a long, well deserved nap without any stupid dreams, and then Jared would get home and hold him and it'd be alright. Yeah, sure.

He was putting the liquor back in its place when he felt hands on his waist, and then Evan's hips were pressed against his back and he was kissing his cheek. “I didn't think you still drank, Con.” Evan mumbled, and Connor gave him a forced laugh.

“I was the one that got the alcohol because of my confidently deadpan expression, what do you think?” He turned his head slightly, his stomach feeling sick with the closeness. He heard Evan hum and then his lips pressed on his neck.

Connor glanced at his whiskey. He'd have to tell this to his therapist, what a fucking joke.

Despite the feeling of wanting to crawl out of his skin, Connor leaned into the touch. Maybe he should own it, after all. Maybe he should let Evan build him up and then destroy him like he did to his sister, because, unlike his sister, he deserved it, and he could handle it.

Connor looked at his reflection on the door of the microwave and felt his blood freezing.

He wasn't like that anymore. He wasn't 17 and lost anymore, he wasn't numb and emotionally ignorant. He was an adult, he was 28 going on 29, and sure, he wasn't very content with himself right that moment, but he knew for a fact that he deserved better than being his sister's rebound. He deserved better than destroying himself for a man that saw him as nothing more than a place to stick his dick into.

“Can you let me go so I can go have a nap before Jared gets here?” He mumbled when Evan had been kissing his shoulder for far too long and his hands were starting to shift to his hips.

Evan looked up and chuckled. “Oh, so you're like a wine mom but... rum dad?”

“Whiskey.” Connor corrected, reaching over for his glass and taking a swig, already being able to tell that the burn it left behind was going to upset his stomach even more than it already was, but he was already feeling less tense, and by the time he finished it in the safety of his room, he was going to be pleasantly buzzed and sleepy.

Evan moved back. He could insist, of course, but all his advances were always met with pure hostility from the brunet. At least Jared was more polite when letting him down.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF this chapter sure gave me grief. I had to re write it bc I didn't like it when I already had it done, so I'm behind in the writing bc I ran out of steam. After rehashing it, I'm mostly satisfied and ready to finish this bad boy.
> 
> We're in the final stretch of this story pals, there's only one or two chapters left 😬  
> But don't worry, I'm already planning my next,,, several stories, so I won't go MIA after this, hopefully... 
> 
> See you soon, keep trucking!


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